Perihal kopi yang aku tak tau bancuh

I work in a men’s world.

Well I know there are plenty women engineers out here in Malaysia but somehow during my years as an ‘active’ engineer, I mostly work with men.

That is not the problem.

Actually there isn’t one.

I was just thinking last time, when I was at a different outfit but with the same boss (he he), usually when there is a project going on and then you know the normal working hours were not enough to accommodate our workload, we sometimes had to hole up ourselves in the office until the sun ain’t shinin’ anymore.

That is again not a problem.

Since I am a girl (ha ha), I always offered to make the coffees and teas for the team. Nobody told me to but I just assumed the responsibility. Especially dah malam-malam kan, mana ada tea lady yang nak buat. Depa dah balik. And I somehow tak rasa macam ada lelaki yang akan offer nak buat air.

Anyway, aku ngak apa-apa sih nak buat-buat air ni. Yang aku risaukan ialah since I myself do not indulge in tea or coffee much, I was very much concerned with the taste of the beverages I made.

Untillah one day, E the lovely guy who offered me this position and introduced me to my soon-won’t-be-current boss asked, “Tak pe ke ? It’s okay ke ?”

Eii ? Nobody asked me before. At my puzzled face he explained, “Dah belajar penat-penat tinggi-tinggi last-last kena buat kopi jugak….” with a smile.

I laughed all through the way to the pantry and shook my head. Sekejap ja gelak tuh. Sebabnya lepaih tu sedikit resentment timbul. “Weii… aku ni engineer tau dak !! Apa kelas buat air ?” Ha bongkak gitu. Luckily perasaan penuh hasutan Syaitan itu bertenggek sekejap saja. After awhile, aku dah tak kisah balik.

He he… pantang kena cucuk sikit, terus termakan. Subhanallah. Pahala dak bagi orang minum ni ?

Kenapa aku tiba-tiba teringat ni ?

Sebab my boss ada meeting tadi tetapi tea lady pegi Giant so takkan lah takdak ayaq kan ?

When I asked C, our shareholder if he would like a drink as he passed my desk, he was taken aback and gave me a searching look.

“Errr…. black with sugar ?” He ordered hesitatingly,

He he… no problem lah C. Dah pompuan namanya. Cuma, kalau tak sedap jangan marah. Masa kecik-kecik Mak suruh belajar, dia tak bagi buat kopi. HHAHAHAHHAHAHA.

Gertak bagus punya

Ini cerita lama... SO lama in fact Kamil has moved to a new office.

Anyway we were scheduled to have lunch together at 12.45. But I arrived 20 minutes early.

Walaupun panas, happy ni nak makan dengan laki.

Yang, I will be 30 minutes late. Whaaattt ? You must be kidding me ! Panas tau. Dah lah aku jenih yang tak soka dok dalam keta.

You jangan lah cuba nak buat I gelak, okeh ? I tunggu you 1 jam setengah ! 90 minit !!! Dah hitam tau dak ? Nasib baik tak pakai SKII whitening skin care, kalau dak sure rogi.

What ? Kalau I marah I kena bayar sendiri ? You biar benar ? Apa you ingat I takde duit ke ? Check bag sat naaa.. Alamak... ada 5 ngit aje ?

Mana ada I marah ? I sayaaaaaaanngg you.

Weekend..

Weekend…. Hmmmm…………….

Friday paksa Kamil bawak pi makan TramCar… Ha ha… Sometimes teringin. Pi carik CD but the ones that we want belum clear lagi…

So came home empty handed.

Saturday classes lah apalah then by 3 dah terpacak at Mummy’s for kerja-kerja kenduri. Cepatlah kahwin… Lagi lama tunggu lagi banyak kerja..

Spent the whole day at Mum’s. Makan food yang Mum masak.. Simple je. Lunch was sambal ikan and sayuq goreng. Sedap sungguh dah.

Dinner meehoon Singapore and coq udang…. Licin. Nice….

Sunday after sending the kids to tennis, picked up Mum and Amelia and we went to Pasar Tani. Picked up the kids then sambung kerja kat rumah Mummy.

So really, not much to tell unless you want to hear details of what we did.

Tak yah lah… boring…

Ha ha…

Sigh......

I don’t know why 2-3 hari ni asyik kat arwah Shera.

I thought mungkin sebab CY nak kawin so dok terbayang masa I myself got married and then CT’s wedding, dia yang busy macam mak pengantin.

So probably terasa sangat because kept expecting her to busrt into the scene with extra hands and ideas and brains.

Hari tu Mum finally managed to tracked down the Ghazal team from CT’s wedding. It was her contact so Mum thought that’s it lah, lost forever lah. But Allah said CY was to get the same marvelous Ghazal band therefore Mum entah macamana found their number.

She called and talked to them then 2 mornings ago she said that she decided not to engage them after all. “Nanti sedih ingat kat dia….” Muka start sebek.

“Alah Mum… Shera would have loved it if we call them…. Panggil pi lah…. After all she loved them…. “

Mum didn’t say anything and I up until today I don’t want to ask because after dengan machonya pujuk Mummy that morning, I cried buckets to work.

Aku asyik teringat the moment I kissed her cold forehead, telling her to please wake up because the jokes’ over after dia dah siap dikapan.

I kept feeling the same sayu feeling when I saw the scars and the lebam but even with them, she still looked beautiful and kind. My Shera is kind… one of the most kindest and forgiving people I have ever known. And my heart is just soooo bleeding right now.

Then I thought well… if the Ghazal played ‘Ku Siram Selasih’, her favourite, and Mum’s too I know those close to her would totally lose it.

So I thought better tak payah lah…

Of course when my thoughts trailed along that line, I remembered the moment I told her that song is Mum’s favourite (this didn’t take place during the wedding… it was ages ago while we were sitting talking…) and she screamed happily, claiming that song to be her favourite too. She and Mum then exchanged fond looks and we went like patutlah korang close.

Anyway bearing that in mind, during CT’s wedding CY and I asked the band to play and dedicated that song to them, to her utmost delight of course.

I miss you, Shera…

Mummy missed you more I think because you guys were so close, the perfect model of mother-in-law and daughter-in-law team.

She loves you as do I and the rest of us. 2 days ago while I was with CT, we talked about you, reminiscing about when things were just perfect.

Then I think, maybe because next month is May and we should be celebrating your birthday and Apek’s and your lovely little Esya. Maybe that is why you have been on my mind more than ever these past few days.

God I miss you.

Bibik

Every morning after sending Abang to school I will usually stop by mom’s house. Wanting breakfast, of course. Bibik who sees that I come regularly, started cooking breakfast earlier.

But itupun depends lah, kalau dia sempat dia buat.

Like yesterday morrning I arrived seeing her scrambling eggs.

“Ko tak nak makan ini ? Aku sudah masak ni ha… Makanlah….”

OOoooo… happy. Took some, ate while talking to my mom then entered the kitchen to wash the plate.

“Ko tinggal aja… itu teh nya… Minum…”

Hai……

Best kan ? She is truly remarkable.
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The house is very clean eversince she joined our family 4 years ago. She plant flowes whenever she is free. There are also a huge karapule tree, a few bushes of serai and pandan and a whole row of keladi.

She knows my baby bro Ijat loves chicken so whenever Mummy didn’t include chicken in her menu, she would fry some for him.

She takes care of the cat (and their mess).

She lovingly manages my nieces. Food, bathing them etc.

Once when I came there was nasi goreng enough for one person only, which she had saved for herself. But seeing my delighted face, she asked me to eat it, siap gorengkan telur lagi. Because she knows I adore nasi goreng with telur err.... goreng... HA ha...

If we have guests or we ourselves eat until midnight she would wait to clean up. No matter how much we tell her to sleep first, she wouldn’t and most of the time she would join us.

During puasa and I see this many, many times if Mummy was still slaving away on the hot stove when Adzan was heard, she would take a cup to my Mum.

In turn, we respect her.

She has the right to membebel and marah kita orang. And she does that a lot.

She has her meals with us when she wants to, usually Ramadhan. She would join in the merrymaking and conversation, very much a part of us. Once I saw her telling jokes to my Dad while buka and my Dad laughing uproariously back. Siap bangun buat aksi lagi Bibik.

She steals from us.

Yeah…. Nobody is perfect.

We found out last year pulak tu, when she was already 3 years with us.

We were shocked. Mum was upset and disappointed.

She talked about sending her back to Indon. She mourned over the whole pack of Ikea glasses and jugs and a few mobile phones that Bibik packed off to her kampung.

I said to mom, “Please think about the other stuffs she did… The good stuffs. The stealing is her kelemahan and we must manage it with her. You will never find anybody that loves us like she does….”

Mummy diam and thought about it.

It has been like a whole six month after her problem was revealed to us.

We still love her.

She still surprises me with cekodok or egg sarnies creamy with mayo in the morning. I reciprocate with “Aku cinta pada mu Bik”.

She still serves me tea whenever I come for lunch or dinner, doling out sambal and curry as soon as she heard my car. He he…

She cleans the bathroom and served us keladi from our backyard.

She is capable and hardworking and she cares. Sometimes itu yang lacking with workers... peduli. A lot of workers tak peduli.

She makes the effort to be efficient.

She yelled at the electrician who chopped off the crawling yellow flowers when he came to change the garden light yesterday, “Woi ! Habis pokok aku !” while my Mum did her best to placate her.

She still steals ?

I don’t know. I suppose so because we didn’t tell her we knew.

But she is too precious and too important to be kicked out for that.

She is like a naughty family member that we love and have to endure and accommodate their weaknesses.

Yesterday Mummy whispered to me, "Sungguh pun dia ni dok... you know... panjang tangan, tapi susah kalau tak dak dia...."

Itulah. Kita terima ajelah. Nobody is perfect. Let alone kita yang bercakap ni.

Weekend

Friday night Kamil malas makan luar and asked me to cook.

Camno nak masak bahan2 pun dah habih…? Even garlic, a must have ingredient in my larder tinggal 2..err… 2.. not the whole labu but 2 sections only.. (Must get the correct term).

I could only rustle up the plainest of carbonara, to the delight of my children. Gila… habih ¾ fettucine. I didn’t eat much because dah boring. Macam dah tak dak resepi lain nak makan.

Anyway I was too sleepy to follow Kamil out. He had to re-stock his perfume and then haircut and what nots lagi. I slept immediately after Isyak, leaving Bibik to wave Ustaz off.

Saturday was… well…. sangat tension.

Abang had his Hari Sukan and as usual he lost the missive from school, explaining what time it starts and what time it finishes. Kamil pulak would be stationed at The Pavillion and we planned to take the LRT, then the .. eerrr….oh yes Monorail. Amelia agreed to send us to Kelana Jaya after our session at the spa.

Everything was beautifully planned after taking into consideration that Abang said his sukan finishes at 2 pm. When I first heard it, I was skeptical tapi kepala hotak macam tak leh nak compute that I needed to challenge that fact.

So not bearing that in mind at all, I made my plans and then come Saturday morning baru nak kalut. Are you sure habis pukul 2, Abang ? was asked many times over. Ada ka Hari Sukan dari 7 pagi sampai 2 petang ? Macam tak logic.

Nak tanya Kamil’s sister, she never lets her children participate so I doubt she knows let alone care. Asked Kamil’s brother and he said his daughter performs and she will call when her part is over.

So, I had no choice but to call Abang’s standard 3 teacher. “Habis pukul 12 tapi kalau masuk perbarisan dalam pukul 10 boleh ambil dah….”

Haaa…….. Tu dia ! 12 tau ! He said 2 ! What he plans to do the extra 2 hours in school is beyond my thinking. The problem was when I finally managed to talk to his teacher he was already at school so Kamil ajak pi balik sekolah dia to look for him.

Bayangkan lah macam mana nak cari anak dalam re-ramai tu ? Time sekolah boleh jugak pi kelas. Time Sports Day boleh gila jugak. But we soldiered on because there is no way I am picking him up at 2. Nor at 12 because … he he… I was scheduled to have my body pummeled out of the pain and aches at that hour.

He he…

Dok pusing-pusing cari Abang, suddenly I saw this boy in a.. errr…. butterfly ? costume who looked familiar. Pi dekat to ascertain identity and when confirmed, kena pelupuh free budak tu.

Acara kena pelupuh ngan mak sebab bagi information salah.

After berulang-ulang kali pesan “Be at the gate by 10 am..” we went to have breakfast then home. Kamil got ready for work and I continued my preparation for my sister’s wedding.

Precisely at 10 I motored my way to Abang’s school where he was not waiting for me. Luckily I spotted him walking towards me from the other edge of the field so no need to get out my fangs and talons.

Sent them home and after kelentong “Mummy is going to the hospital again….for my medical check up again….” for the kids’ (and Bibik’s … Bibik dah tak sabar-sabar nak pi rumah Kak M… mau jumpa anaknya…) benefit, picked up Amelia and off we went to Byyu Spa.

Owwwh…. It is beautiful. They received my patronage about 4-5 when it was newly opened years ago and I was glad to see that the place is still very much majestic and beautiful and very well maintained. I love it. The only sore point was Amelia and I were separated when we so much needed the time to chit-chat too.

“Laa… kenapa ngak ada yang berdua ?”

‘Kan lebih elok … ada privasi…”

“Ohh… kami tak perlukan privasi… kami perlukan waktu untuk bercakap !”

So while we waited for them to prepare, Amelia and I tried to cram all our conversations in. When we were approached again, I said, “Ha… ini perbualan secara pantas….. tak bagus ini… “

Saja je cari pasai. Depa ada studio, tapi kalau guna studio tak leh mandi and tak de package. Depa ada jugak package yang 4 orang… Ha… itu best…. Siap bagi makan and boleh use swimming pool and we can stay there for 6 hours. He he… Sapa nak join ? Kak Kay kan ? Eja ?

Anyway, I do not need to explain how excellent the massages and the facial and the err…. our free treatment was. The only boring thing was during the Jacuzzi. If only I had a book. Or Amelia to talk with like when we went to a spa in Bangunan Citibank. That was nice. Anyway, due to severe boredom, I filled my time sperating the yellow and white rose petals. The yellow ones went to my left and the white ones went to my right. The red ones though didn’t want to stay in the middle.

Nengok tu... keliling katei ada sungai... Sungguh nyaman and is a very convincing tool to help me tipu myself that I was indeed in Bali. Nak buat kat rumah sendiri... well tengah-tengah malam nak bangun pi toilet kang satu kerja lak nak seberang sungai... Or takut kang si Kamil dah ada sungai conveniently sebelah katei forego toilet all together malam-malam and just use the sungai... Tidak...

The bathroom... kat luaq... he he... So cantik kan ? Tangkap gambaq ni pun sengap2... Rasanya depa macam tak bagi... So tak dapat nak snap lebih-lebih takut kantoi ngan massuese.

It was all over in 3 and a half hours. We were given delicious guava juice and 2 cupcakes each while we talked some more at the lounge. Rasa macam kat Bali, okay ? Macam kat hotel. Felt like I was on holiday and tak mo balik.

But home we must go to. Kamil stopped me from joining him at the Pavilion because his shift was to be over shortly after we were done so I stayed home to wait for him.

Balik rumah he looked at me up and down and asked, “So…. What did my RM 200 do ?”

Eeeeeiii !!! Bencinya. You bagi RM 200 je tau, lagi RM 5 tu I bayar sendiri, hokey ? Jangan tak tau.

At night we went all over Shah Alam to look for tennis shoes for Abang. We have been looking for ages okay but the shops never stock in Abang’s size. That is not fair, they do have shoes is his size but for women only.

-

Best tak ?? Pegi Al-Ikhsan “Saiz 5 untuk kasut bola sahaja. Adults shoes starts at 7…”

Ohh….”jadi yang size 5 ngan 6 tak yah pakai kasut ke ?” Sengih aje budak tu.

Went to SACC Mall and headed towards Bata, our last hope. Itupun susah… percaya tak ? Kalau tak habis, memang tak ada. We finally found one and Kamil masa tu dah tak kira dah, tennis shoes ke running shoes ke hatta ballet shoes sekali pun he would just take it as long as it is the right size for his son.

Kamil’s shift at the Pavilion on Sunday is from 4 to past midnight so after sending the kids to tennis, we went jogging then breakfast then pasar. I tried to cajole him into buying a pair of rabbits but he resisted. Ala… they are so darn cute ! Ada ke tengah ramai2 orang tu dia habaq, “Alah… awak tu… saya jugak yang kena basuh berak dia orang karang…”

Cess ! Cess ! Cess !!

Cakap lah kat dalam kete apa salahnya.

We stayed home afterwards, waving Kamil goodbye at 3. The kids played Monopoly and I sambung kerja2 kenduri.

I love eating at Asiari and rasa macam tak puas makan their popiahs, so invited mummy and my nieces to join us. By 8.30 we were already there waiting for our food to arrive.

And what chaos it was ! Abang ordered nasi with lemon grass chicken chop but it was too hot for him. I ordered nasi goreng nenas to be shared with Anna (I ate the popiahs while waiting for her to be done) but she ate all the peanuts and prawns and subsequently announced “Manish ! Shaya tak shuka..” Only Esya and Adik were happy with their shared beef ball noodle soup.

So Tok Mi had to relinquish her prawn ball noodle soup to Abang. Tok Mi ate Abang’s chicken chop and Anna had Abang’s rice with some soup from the beef ball soup. Me who didn’t expect Anna to not eat the rice at all, looked at it in despair because she was already half full from the popiahs.

Then Esya and Adik needed more noodles. Luckily Abang couldn’t finish off what originally was Tok Mi’s noodles so we divided the remaining noodles to the two of them.

Haiii…………….

When we got home it was already 10 pm so Abang fell asleep immediately. Adik was walking around the house forlornly waiting for her beloved Babah.

“Will you be okay sleeping alone ? Why don’t I sleep with you ?”

Heh… strategy nak berkepit ngan Mummy.. macam tak tau.

“Thank you for the offer but Babah will be coming home later and he will be tired and he will be needing his bed…..”

She smiled ruefully.

I scooped her up and tucked her in while murmuring sweet nothings to her ears, touching her face with my hands, offering smiles and reassuring hugs.

“My little girl dah besar…..” I cooed.

She somehow got rather sad, fighting back tears.

Alahai… kejap lagi Babah balik kay ?

Babah balik pukul 2 pagi… But when I asked him this morning, he said 4 pagi. Hai… kenapa ? Kenapa ? Kenapa ?

Tragedi masa tengah dahaga...

One fine day I attended a meeting. No need for me to specify the location, at our own office or outside. Let it be my secret. Oh and Kamil’s too because I told him this story already.

Okay there were only like 2 of us in the board room…The rest of the congregation were not late… my colleague and I were just early. Anyway the tea lady came in with a tray laden with stacked cups and 2 pots of hot beverage. As soon as she put the tray down she started to unstack the towering cups, lining them up on the table. I who was happily watching her because my throat was parched, needed to know if there was tea.

Imagine how my happily watching turned to watching in horror when the lady held the cups by the rims, effectively dipping her fingers in the cup. Sure there was no beverage in it yet but there will be some in later. She has touched the part where whatever germs she had on her hands had effectively and surely transferred to the cups... where the beverage will be poured and mixed with the said germs...of which then I will consume, thus rendering me drinking a contaminated brew.

.

Get it ?

Of course you can say how would I know if the the cups are really clean ? Before she even touched them ? Well sure but have you never heard that ignorance is bliss ? What I don’t know won’t hurt me but what I have seen can induce nightmare ? The cups have clearly been compromised and I can’t pretend it didn’t happen.

Why can’t she just hold them by the damn handles ? That is what they are for !!

WAAAAAA !!!

Tapi.. ohh tidak…I can’t uphold my values this time because as I said earlier, I was thirsty. I had no choice but to bersangka baik yang kakak ni juuuuuuuuussstt before she picked up the tray, had actually took the liberty of sanitizing her hands by immersing them in hot water. Juuusssttt now… baruuuuu sat sat sat tadi dia pi buat. Sajaaaa sebelum dia angkat dulang ..

With that in mind (or imagination… which ever you prefer), I grabbed a cup of tea and muttered my thanks.

She left the room immediately aftwerwards, leaving me to blow off the heat from my tea. As I was busy fuuh fuuuuhhh-ing the lovely golden liquid, my eyes followed her out, seeing her through the gap of the closing door. I wish I didn't though because... arrrgghhhh ! I saw her ... I saw her my friends…. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAA ! Just my luck… oh oh oh oh…. I saw her right before the door closes, she lifted a hand, reached for her bum and started scratching. At one point… well… srroooottt masuk ke dalam siap. The door then mercifully closed with a soft bang, obscuring my view from the atrocity that was happening.

.
I winced and put my cup down, my thirst suddenly manageable.

And I gagged some during the meeting when the CEO and the MD and GM and the what ever C yang ada lagilah, innocently slurped their tea and coffee.

Should have I told them ?

But how to susun ayat ?

“Err… gentlemen… I suggest that you put your teas down errr…. because…. Emmm… I saw the kakak tea lady… aaaa…. Huh….. scratched her….. eeemm…. Bum ? Err… no… behind…. ? Oh… posterior ?.... Errr….. Never mind lah.,..carry on….”

Oh tidak…

My weekend. Sorry aaa lambat, Konot...

Okay, okay… yeah I know I am late. Nak buat camno… Busy ni ha….

Okay …. Friday had dinner with Amelia and Noreen. We were ambitious, wanting to eat at an Italian restaurant in Ara Damansara. But working women we are, of course the plan was scrapped to dining out in Shah Alam Mall only. Jam and the rain and workload menjadi batu penghalang.

I suggested Asiari and there sat I and Amelia waiting for Noreen to come. She came like 15 minutes after we arrived and we talked and ate and talked and gossiped and then took the night further to Uncle K’s for coffee. I had the tarik though.

Anyway, Kamil joined us around 11 pm after his function and we stayed on until about 12.

Saturday was the usual. Classes plus Amelia and I had had our usual mad scramble to find available spas. Yilek.

Kamil full day again (sian dia) so I stayed home baking a cake to take to my Bab’s. Ha ha…. Mami Ela called to apologise for last week’s mixed up so we fixed another date which was dinner that very night.

Anyway waited for Kamil to come home, fetched my mom and my nieces and drove to Bangsar. It was lovely. Bab’s son Zaf who lives in Dubai was home. It was nice. Didn’t realize that Mami decided to make it a family affair because my cousin Jimmy and his family were there too. Zuri and kak Hanim and their brood were of course there.

We had a merry dinner, full of laughter and jokes and listening to Zaf’s tales of his life in the Emirates.

Zuri, Bab, Zaf and Jimmy. The balding head is my husband's and I was next to him. Apa bendalah si Zaf ni cerita. They always say that Zaf and I are alike. Tang mana please specify buleh ? Kamil kata tang cakap banyak.

Bab's Zuri, Daniel and Kamil.

My lovely Mami Ela who likes to kumpulkan her nieces and nephews eventhough technically we belong to Bab... She is a gem, a wonderful, wonderful woman.

We got up to let the women eat. Ha ha… since they are my cousins, I ate with the men. Anyway, took our happy bantering and conversation to the living room where we laughed uproariously to the delight of our parents. They were so happy to see the cousins getting on so well. Even Kamil gets on well my cousins so my mammy was extremely glad.

Bab dengaq saja kamil dok merepek. Lama2 dia tak larat jugak so he went down to sleep... Ha ha... I sat next to Jimmy. If everything goes well and Allah permits it, I will be joining Zaf's ex-employers. He was giving me useful tips ! Ha ha.

Kamil and Daniel. Kamil suka sebab ada gang kutuk aku.

Went home at midnight again… pheww….and was subsequently woken up by my brother at 3 am because mom was at the hospital. Nothing could sober me up quicker than that. Threw on some clothes and rushed to DEMC, my siblings arriving one by one after me.

Took mom to SJMC again and she was warded at the CCU. She didn’t collapse or anything this time around but they just want to catch the moment she has another of her irregular heartbeats so she was hooked on monitor or a monitor was hooked on her… whichever lah.

Please pray for my mom okay ? She is out of the hospital already but again without any proper diagnosis. Where is Dr House when I need him ?

So of course we survived Sunday by fitting mom in the hospital bit around it. My kids were worried and wanting to visit Tok but no can do. Oh yeah, Kamil had to work that Sunday but he took leave which I am very grateful for.

Nothing much happened really as we spent time worrying and praying for mom’s health. That was more important.

One thing I have to say, my mother is blessed with menantus who love her. Daniel and my own husband and I know if arwah ada, she would be the one yang paling sibuk and paling susah hati.

Sigh……………….

Happy Anniversary, darling....

It is our 17th year Anniversary today. Err…. in the fb I wrote 18th… tapi bila ambik calculator… la ropa-ropanya 17… my bad, my bad…..

Anyway as always, before our Anniversary Kamil got a bit lovey dovey. Lepas 13th of April, he would return to his normal Neanderthal self sure but at least I have like a whole month of him being affectionate.

Oh yeah, it started early for him this year. Usually he starts realizing of my existence a week before the Anniversary….

Ha ha….

When we had dinner at BSC last month ago, we sat next to each other on the bench seat. After we ordered, he suddenly scooted close to me and put his arm around my shoulders. I was a bit surprised but it was nice so I snuggled closer and just enjoyed the sensation.

Usually we would talk a lot, leading to our Anniversary. Reminisce actually. About when we were younger, about our days in England, about the kids when they were babies. I like going though Memory Lane with him. We have gone through so much together, good or bad.

On my part, I just want to be with him. That is it. No clever prose from me. That is the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help me God.

I like to ask why he loves me but he could never give a definite answer. Which I must admit used to pain me to no end when I was younger. But I am happy to announce that it made me smile now, since I am older and much, much (don’t you dare muntah, okay… Amuse me…please) wiser.

Anyway… I got sad when I saw like a solitary grey hair on his chest some months ago. And my heart tore some more when I spotted another one amongst his sideburn. I said to him, “I jumpa you masa you muda you know… Masa kita budak-budak… we were 13. And now you have grey hair….”

And I foolishly felt so bereft for something I don’t even know what. Was it his youth ? Or was it mine that I was so sad for ?

I was watching the telly about a week ago when he sauntered into the kitchen, hands in his pocket, looking a mixture of amusement and wistfulness.

“Stumbled upon your picture kat depan… You were 19 I think gambar tu… “He shook his head and smiled.

Ambiklah… Show me… I said. When I looked at it, I was indeed 19, wearing my favourite polo shirt. I do not know why I love collared t-shirts. Until now, I have like 10 in every colour… (DR, 2 warna putih… ha ha).

Anyway, he leaned on me as we shared the picture. “Your face lonjong sikit masa ni…” Yeah… thank you for reminding me, I was about 44 kg masa tu.. memanglah… Now dah berkg2 over tapi tak tinggi2 jugak.. Height remained the same… yeessshhh…..

He looked at me fondly then smiled and squeezed my shoulder. Then he gave me a hug.

So, he had the same ailment as I have… Don’t know what it is called but the simptom is feeling sad looking at our older partners… ha ha…

I am the type who likes to ask trivial… and I have to admit mostly stupid questions. Like when I asked my friends Shazmi, Anu and Kamil of course, while we were driving off to somewhere, “If you guys ada band, what would you call it ?” They groaned because they know I like to do that. After a long silence and thinking that I would not get an answer, Anu piped in from behind, “3 B… 2 Benggalis and 1 Banjar…” Ha ha… nice huh ? That is why we call them the Bs….

So… you know I just like to ask what I pretended to be thought provoking but what I secretly admit useless questions. Bearing that in mind, I asked Kamil “What is my favourite colour ?” in the car last week.

“Hmm…. colour susah sikit.. But in reality… it is red….”

You know seriously that is a good answer. In reality it is red. I sometimes pretend it is blue or purple. I always reach for red stuffs but chickened out thinking that I do not want my wardrobe to be awashed with red. Eventhough it is my favourite colour, I foolishly fear it could be too bright. He he…. Stupid huh ? Who cares, right ?

Anyway his test was not over. “What is my favourite fruit ?”

Again he went hmmm…. then said, “Pineapples…”

I was just thinking that. I was just thinking how much I would kill for a pineapple right then.

He didn’t write a sonnet for me, but I felt like he just did. He didn’t buy me flowers but I felt like I was holding a huge bouquet of my favourite pale roses.

Hmm… I suppose as we get older, our priorities changed. And we stopped wanting our love life to be just like in the movies, dreaming about the day our partners walk sexily to the office (?), sweeping us off our feet a la Richard Gere in that very, very sexy uniform. I suppose as we get older (and hopefully more mature) and grounded to earth, we understand that…. well… we are not Debra Winger are we, so how come he must be Richard Gere ?

Sometimes when I hear young ladies insists on romance.. I feel like shaking my head for their silliness. Darlings, you think mat sallehs are romantic ? Dalam tv yelah director suruh, balik rumah Mark Harmon (sigh…) pun balik terus nengok tv, tak pedulik kat bini.

Not everybody can do romance. Not the telly and book kind though. You must be able to see that your partners have their own brand of romance. Okay, sometimes it is not that obvious to see, but please look hard.

I once bumped into a friend of mine at KLCC, weeks before her own wedding. At that point I was already married for 5-6 years. She admitted being nervous about her big day, but of course that didn't dim her pink of happiness. “What advice can you give me ?” She asked.

Without any hesitation, this wise woman replied “Do not have high expectations….”

She was taken aback as I suppose she was expecting to hear romantic gooeeyy stuffs.

“But I thought you should have high expectations ?”

“Well…. if your expectations are based on the telly… then stop right there….” I remember telling her. “You will only be disappointed if he doesn’t come up to scratch to your expectations… Flowers every week… little notes to say he loves you…. If they never materialize, you will be disappointed and that is never good for marriage.

Enter your union with an open mind and the knowledge that he loves you and will love you the way he knows how. Fetching you from your office, going out at night to buy your dinner eventhough he is tired etc. Then if you need more, you coach him… tell him what you want because hell he is not a mind reader…”

Macam bagus je kan aku ?

Belah lah ! Ha ha ha…

Happy Anniversary, my darling Kamil … I lap you so much one.

PS : By the way, Kamil asked me back, what is his favourite fruit ? Jawapannya ialah jambu. Betul !! Tapi dia pi tambah “Buah apa yang I suka tapi tak boleh makan dah sebab selalu tercekik ?”

Ha ?

Well… dia ni memang ada problem sikit. Not lah tercekik but sometimes food doesn’t travel to his tummy peacefully. Mesti ada yang tersangkut sikit-sikit…. But is there any fruit that he had stopped consuming altogether ?

“Cempedak ?”

He shook his head, coupled with his jelingan boring, “Tembikai….”

Huh ?

Ye ke ?

PS2 : Recently he mused, “Kalau kita jahat, Umar dah ambik SPM dah tahun ni…”

Ya Rabbi… itu yang hang pikiaq ?

Bukan saja Umar ambik SPM, hang ngan aku-aku sekali keje kilang tau dak ? Tok sah dipikirkan le benda merepek macam tu Kamil oiii……….

I know how you feel. I do oo oo....

Today a blogger friend moaned about her daughter’s heart break on FB. I was told that her lovely daughter was distraught for not being invited to a classmate’s birthday party. The soft hearted Momma too was heart broken.

Aww….…. I know how the both of them feel.

As a parent, we want everything to be all peaches and cream for our progenies. For life to sail smoothly and good things to drop at their feet. For the rest of the world to bestow love on this great little guy and gal and for no hurt and despair to ever dare reach them.

It is not such a tall order, right ?

Oh but it is.

Life can be cruel. People can be cruel.

And eventhough parents are well acquainted with that fact, and really should come prepared, but when it hit our darling children, we feel like we have just encountered the real world. It feels like a new blow and we are shocked that life can be this unkind.

What to do. C’est la vie.

Abang, once during Standard 1 complained that his ‘friends’ wouldn’t let him play football.

He narrated the story with an angry frown of the unjustice of it all but the momma... oh this momma cried herself to sleep, imagining a scene of him desolately alone at the side of the padang watching his friends wistfully, kicking stones and blades of grass, over and over again.

Anak aku !!! Siannya dia….

Sekarang ni aku dah start sebak balik, okay. Eventhough it was like 3 years ago, but aku rasa macam nak cari je budak-budak tu. What will I do with them once I successfully rounded them all up is a mystery. Because I love children so I don’t think I would inflict pain. Maybe bribe them with chocolates so that my son is included next time. Can he live with the shame ?

And then 3 days ago… oooohhhh….. fresh wound, people… fresh wound.

As I was driving him home from school he told me, “Saya marah lah sebab bila kawan-kawan saya main bola, dia orang tak pernah pass dekat saya….”

Haaaa ? Ye ke, baby hunny bunny chikeboom Mummy ni ?

WAAAAAAA !!!!!

Why ?

“Saya tak tahu…. Dia orang pun buat macam tu dekat A and D1 And D2….”

Owwh…. Even though they didn’t discriminate him alone, his frown and his lowered eyelids, his scrunched nose broke my heart over and over again.

“Korang tak pandai main bola agaknya……”

“But they never let us try !”

Hai lah…..

After a long silence, I said;

“Life is like that sometimes. You cannot win every time and you cannot make everybody likes you. Things will some times go bad and some times they will be good.

You don’t like how they treat you ? Then don’t ever treat anybody like that. Ever ! You are a good tennis player buy if one day there is a person who is not as good as you asks you to play with him, you MUST play with him. MUST ! Eventhough playing with him is not nice, the game is slow and he always, always misses you must oblige him because it is the right thing to do. Because you are kind and you cannot, and would not hurt his feelings.

Even if one day yeah you can play football very well, always include other people who aren’t as good or can’t even play because it is better to be nice than to win. Never follow the crowd. If your friends refused to include anybody, you will not the same. You are a kind person you will play with him. Orang tak nak pass bola ? When you get the ball you pass to him. Remember this.

Remember that day I asked you to secretly give the Disney pens to your friends ? Remember I told you never give out the pens in front of other friends who are not getting them ? This is why lah. You are hurt right now because you got excluded. Jamilah (ye ke aku guna nama ni ? Dah tak ingat dah… ha ha….) hari tu pun I think was hurt because she got excluded.

Therefore I always tell you time and time again, be nice and don’t be cruel. Always take into account other people’s feelings. Always.

Besides, you can’t be good in everything. You are an amazing tennis player, so you concentrate on that. Why don’t next time if you and your friends are excluded again, get another ball and play amongst yourselves. Don’t let them ruin your fun.”

Chewah… If only I listen to my own advice. Because aaa that night aaa…. I shed tears again. This time I kept picturing Abang and A and D1 and D2 running and yelling frantically for their friends to pass the ball to them… tapi tak dapat. Jahatnya budak2 tu !!!

I really don’t know if I healed him a bit, if at all.

Je ne sais pas.

So my darling friend, I know how you feel.

-

WAAAAAAAAAAAAA !

My weekend

My weekend was busy. Sooo busy sampai aku rasa macam sakit belakang ….

Thursday night (I think malam itu lah saat dan ketikanya the famous malam Jemahat itu) Ian came for dinner. I was too tired to cook so Kamil bought Dominos. Too tired to cook sure but actually no time to cook sebab balik je dari office aku pi belasah superb kari ikan bawai kat rumah Mummy. Where got time to cook sebab dok busy mamam ?

Tak mainlah pizza, pizza ni. If I must compare between pizza and kari ikan bawai…. Well very unfair comparison okay sebab pizza lacks the uumpphh factor of kari.

Anyway watched them eat (okay… I did partake a slice of kaya banana pizza… Itu dessert) and reminded Kamil that he promised to buy tickets for Clash Of The Titans. So after bersembang sat ngan ustaz, who I must say looked resplendent in his Hari Khamis baju batik, off we went to Sunway Pyramid.

Menyesal jugak I suggested Sunway sebab punyalah susah cari parking. I was just too tired (and sleepy from the curry) to venture far up to The Curve but then the amount of time I envisioned we would spend looking around to park our car is equal to the drive to Damansara. Alhamdullilah after pooh kanan and pooh kiri dengan ayat Qursi (I dunno whether it was the right choice but it seemed to work), dapat lah kami a decent parking in like 5 minutes.

Jumaat, selepas kelentong budak-budak kaw-kaw punya, we arrived at the mall with 45 minutes to spare for dinner. Biasalah bila makan ramai-ramai ni (well… 3… ramai lah jugak) nobody wanted to decide the venue to eat. Ian and I were like hinting Sakae Sushi but Kamil closed his appetite for Japanese food a loooonngg time ago.

Dalam dok ulang “I tak kisah mana nak makan… You guys pilih lah…”, Kamil’s feet went straight to a kopitiam. Korang pilih lah konon….

Myself memang sejak sekian lama doesn’t really trust new kopitiams, especially bila gambaq kaki katak mai kat inbox cheq… Walaupun got halal certificate one. Tapi … pi lah jugak sebab Kamil dah decide kan. Therefore I refrained from eating anything with soup.

The movie was awesome. I read about Greek mythology when I was small and I found it interesting enough. Therefore I was already familiar with the Olympians and who they are plus their stories. Plus my family watched Clash of The Titans quite a few times when I was smaller. Added plus whenever aku adalah bengang dengan my Mummy, Bapak aku yang tak pernah membantu itu akan announce, “Dah… gaduh dah lagi…Clash of The Titans start dah.. Big Titan versus Small Titan….”

Hmmm….

Anyway, the movie was awesome. Sam Worthington is an amazing actor. Ralph Fiennes and Liam Neeson need not my praises as their talent is a well known fact. As usual, they delivered. A bit disappointed with Medusa though as in the original film, the Medusa looked more believable, I think.

And I was right. Perseus is Zues’ son and not Poseidon’s. Do not know why Percy Jackson and The Lightning Thief suggested as such. In fact if I was not mistaken, Poseidon hated Perseus.

Anyway, balik singgah for some delicious ice-cream and gazing at the night sky. He he.. I dunno why either.

Kamil worked weekend. I hate that. But what to do. Kamil sent the kids to class, I got ready and we rendezvous-ed kat Cili Merah for breakfast. I hated kissing him at the car and seeing him go after breakfast was over. Weekends are for me and his family, not the company.

After the classes, sent the kids home and I hopped on Amelia’s new car (it was gorgeous) for spa sessions. We chatted and chatted until the lady who was massaging Amelia asked, “You two are not Malaysians ah ?”

Eh, apahal lak ?

“Why you speak English and not Malay ?”

Err…. malu bangat so got no jawapan one.

Singgah Butik Ungu yang tuannya dok sibuk soh singgah. Kami pun pi lah…tak bukak pun. Punyalah banyak kami keluaqkan duit, berkepui-kepui okay punya nak membeli, tutup lak. Awatnya…..? Sila jawab… Hang ada bagi opening date ka yang aku tak perasan hang dah bagi ? Most probably lah.

Balik, collected the kids, send them to their class and aku pun masuk class. Cupcake decorating class. Macam nilah, I am not talented okay ? So tak yah lah aku upload gambaq cupcakes aku. Cikgu tu punya dok puji orang lain, mai kat aku, “You punya problem aaa…….. blah, blah, blah, blah…..”

So… it is an eposide that I want to forget. And file under “Failure”. Best not talk about it again. Kamil tengok cake tu with so much dispassion aku rasa macam nak baling satu kat muka dia, nak tengok keluaq dak apa-apa perasaan.

We got ready to visit my Bab but our calls to him went unanswered. Since Mum bought loads of sate for him, we went to Mum’s house to eat the sates ourselves. I chanced upon sup tulang burbling attractively on the stove so we had that instead. Sate masih berlambak dalam fridge sampai nan la.

Singgah Shah Alam Mall for cds, tarik tilam masuk bilik, pasang Cirque Du Freak and tengok dalam 30 minit je before it became unwatchable. Hai… I thought we did buy the Gold Disc and not the Purple Disc.

Sunday we sent the kids together, went to Cili Merah together, then I went to pick up the kids alone. Balik rumah, I felt so bereft to see his car gone. But no time to moped around the house as had to quickly bathed the kids, went to pick up my mom and nieces, then my sister then quickly drove to 1U. Why the rush ? Want to get the before 11.30, before all the car parks gone. Aku kan benci cari parking.

My mother memang terer okay ? We were there from 11 am to 3 pm. Not including lunch. The kids created so much ruckus but my mother still had to ponder about every single thing. I developed bad ache trying to rein in the kids and melayan me Mammy.

Budak-budak nakal. I had to ask them to sit out of Living Quarters. I was on edge trying to stop them from smashing anything. Nampak those lines on the glass ? They were not allowed to cross the line, to get near each other at all. I had to resort to that.

Waaaaaaa !!!!

Went out of 1U to have lunch. I seriously hardly ever ate at 1U. Nothing seemed appetizing enough over there for some reason.

Came home, rest awhile before Noreen came for a chat. While we chatted, Kamil came home. Yeay !

We quickly prayed after Noreen left. Kamil took the long way to Uptown to show me where I have to do my medical check up. We didn’t eat at all Kamil and I. No appetite. Just picked on the kids’ leftovers aje. Went to get cds and was ecstatic when Kamil found Wimbledon. We soooo love that movie. Tapi service was so darn slow, we abandoned it. The guy behind the counter really do not know how to layan customers, okay ?

Tarik tilam lagi as soon as we got home. Turun bawah to iron my baju for work and found Kamil laughing madly watching Brides War or something. Anne Hathaway is really beautiful, okay ? Anak si Goldie Hawn tu entah apa ke namanya tu really cannot lawan her beauty.

Put on Harry Potter and tried to sleep.

Tengok-tengok dah pagi.

NOOOOOOO !!!!!!

He is mine....

I don’t know why kan as we smiled for this picture, I was thinking about waaaaayyyy back when Abang was just my wee baby boy.

Masa tu kita baru balik Malaysia for good and entah ada apa angin kat Malaysia that made him developed a new funny habit. Whenever he was angry or upset, he will smack me on the face. Dahlah tangan tu tembam dan pejal dan padu, sakit tau.

He hardly ever did it to his Babah, mostly me his Mammy yang kena. Seriously I didn’t think much of it. I mean, to me it is just a new habit that my hunny bunny developed and I was sure that he will outgrow it. I didn’t question why he did it, in my head it was just reflexes.

Until one day that is, in front of a group of people who had seen him raining blows on my face quite a few times. One remarked, “Musuh betul dia dengan mak dia…..”.

Ha ? Ada ke cakap macam tu ?

To say I was shocked, well that was putting it mildly okay. I was hurt too.. not by his actions but by the remark. I mean I didn’t even think of it that way at all ! Not at all ! And I just couldn’t understand how could she think that my baby, my own sweet little boy who still could not wash his own bottom, who squels happily everytime he sees me, who could not bear to be away from me, when I was still the person that he loved most could hate me ?

I couldn’t help detect a hint of smugness in her voice and in the people surrounded her who agreed. I seriously do not know if I imagined it or made it up in my understandably upset state, but it seems to be ingrained in my head that she said it out of malice. That the crowd too was crackling with malevolence.

I remember feeling so embarrassed, feeling so inadequate as a mother. Feeling hurt too at the thought that there is a possibility of him to not like me much ! My own wee bairn !

But whatever it is, sampai nya hati orang tu cakap macam tu. Depan orang lain and at that moment I couldn’t help but feeling I was being judged as a bad mother. Macam dah lama dia orang tu dok bisik-bisik “Abang tu bukannya sayang dengan mak dia….”

.

I have to admit my heart was quite broken about that. I felt low and my mind kept going back to that day. Repeatedly. Every visit came with a fresh dose of gut wrenching feeling. Sampai sekarang aku ingat.

Sigh….

A few months after that, I was called away for work in London. I was gone for about 2 weeks and how much I missed him ! It was sooo boring to be in a country that reminded me so much of my darling baby. Every little tighly bundled 2 year olds looked like him. I was even convinced the blonde haired blue eyed little cherubs saling tak tumpah macam dia. Ha ha…

.

Pegi Selfridges and I kept seeing him running around in his soft light blue cardigan.

.

Eh, at this very spot in Boots lah some 7 months ago Abang was tottering about and stumbled.

.

Eh, bukan dekat Marks and Spencer ni ke I breastfed him ?

.

You know... that kind of gila bayang thing going on ...

My boy… my baby boy…..

So imagine my surprise and hurt when I returned, one from the very same group said “Dia tak cari kau pun.. Tak rindu langsung !! Okay aje..”

Sedih, malu semua ada especially when it was said loudly and people looked. Funny because Babah just told me that he asked for me every night. When I pointed out that to her, she just smirked, buat muka tak percaya.

“Dia orang tak cerita pun….” She said.

Why ya ?

Kenapa macam tu sekali nak kecik kan hati aku yek ? Why is it important for you that my son is not properly attached to me ? Or why you want people to think that my son doesn’t love me ?

I could never understand it.

He is my son. Just like I understand my husband loves his mom, please know that my son loves me. If I raise him right, then he will love me forever. If Allah grant me my prayers, then he is anak yang soleh who will never forget his mammy.

He is my son.