Teenage Angst

One of my favourite bloggers asked me to write about my teenage angst.

I do not know about others, but for me (and my sisters too) I always, always blame my mother for everything.

If a guy I like didn't reciprocate my feelings, I blame my mother for making me ugly. After all I came from her kan ? SO if I am ugly it must be her fault. After all she passed me her jerawat problems didn't she ?

If I felt like I wasn't popular in school, it was because she wouldn't allow me to go out at night like all the popular girls could. Or because she wouldn't buy me cool clothes. Tak habis-habis pakai cullots and bermudas and my rolled up jeans (which my boyfriend si Kamil hated sampai nan la).

If I didn't get good grades, it was Mum's fault because she

a) Didn't send me to my tuition classes so I had to take the bus and because of that I was too tired to concentrate

b)Let my little siblings run riot and therefore the noise they made was a distraction and I could not concentrate (padahal dok busy daydreaming pasal si Kamil...hua hua hua hua)

c) She was too busy with my brother and care more about him so I was busy seething and stewing about it than studying

d) She forced me to take this elective and I have warned her many, many times I could not do it but she wouldn't listen (padahal dia tak cakap apa pun....it was all decided by me)

I believe hormones and stress from school made me like that. I just needed to blame somebody for my problems and she is the closest thing on earth for me to point my finger at. After all, my life depended on her and everything I did was by her laws so if things go wrong, who else to blame ? She was involved in every little details of my life so it made sense to blame her.I wasn't mature enough to look at myself back then. When you are 16-19 you are not calm enough to try rationalise everything. In fact, maturity only knocked on my door yesterday (Kamil would refute that).

Of course those angers were shortlived and when I got back my senses guilt would overwhelm me. But when you are stressed out you just want to shift the blame elsewhere. Itu yang start blaming Mummy for everything under the sun. I would sulk, Mum would ask why and then... big confrontation time. My dad used to call our episodes Small Titan vs Big Titan (Funnily enough I blamed my dad for only a fraction of my problems).

Remember Milli Vanilli's Blame It On The Rain ? Something like that lah. Just want somebody to take the blame as it made life feels a bit better.

And teenage life is very stressful. What could go inside a teenager's mind as she walked from the canteen to her classroom

I don't understand this subject but must pass my flying colours or else I wouldn't get to go to university and thus I wouldn't get to be a doctor... Do I want to be a doctor ? I think ballerina makes more sense because I love those tutus... And then maybe that handsome pengawas would finally notice me.... But then my butt has its own postcode so ada ke tutus yang muat....That is why kot pengawas tu wouldn't even look twice at me.... That damn zit on my nose is getting bigger ! Dare I pop iy ?..Yesterday I saw my bestfriend at the shopping complex with the girl who wanted to steal her and so I am so worried just in case she would stop being my bestfriend...Am I having my period ? Is that why those people are sniggering at me because I have a huge red stain on my back... I think I am going to fail my maths then everybody would laugh at me.... Cikgu just called me stupid in front of everybody tadi. Habislah street cred aku....

Disclaimer : This is just an example. These thoughts never entered the author's mind. Never.


I suppose only moms that are close to their daughters got the brunt of her daughters hormones. You know why ? Because if you are not close to your daughters, too garang and a no nonsense disciplinarian, I do not think your daughters berani nak buat temporary insanity in front of you. Only mak anak with a very ketat bond je experience this kind of thing. People are only brave enough to lash out at people that they are confident of offering them unconditional love. And teenagers are never mature enough to know that stern mothers does not equal bad mothers.

Or you are actually blessed with truly rounded daughters. If that is the case, you are lucky !

Hehhehe.......

I know it doesn't help much. As I really do not know the root cause. But I know this is normal.

You know, before mid-life crisis and menopause, you may have to go through teenage angst first.

Captain Abang

Want to relate what happened 2 weekends ago.

Kak Ezza Muffin Biru kawinkah anak. Since I have never been to her house, I tailed kak Kay of Sembang from behind. Alhamdullilah, kak Kay successfully steered me there.

If I were to go on my own, I think I would never get there. Kamil had to work and I have lost the invitation card so I wouldn't even know where to start !

Anyway, had a lovely time meeting Kak Ezza and Bella and the Superwoman. Kak Yatt was there too and I get to jumpa aunty May. Dah lama sangat tak jumpa Aunty May but she still looked the same.

Anyway I had to leave the kenduri early because had to pick up Kamil from work. He tried taking the LRT to work tapi malas nak balik the same way so I had to drive all the way to KL to get him. Dah kat situ terpaksa lah singgah KLCC and dah because we were already there, I was obliged to spend money. Loads of them. So now, I have to dok diam-diam as money has run out. Parah punya shopping.

My story though happened in the car as I tried to leave Kak Ezza's taman.

"Mum... do you know the way ?" Hmmppph... the perils of having school going children are they know and remember your foibles. And mine is bad sense of direction. Abang has been with me for 10 years so he had almost 10 years of being in a car with me. And experienced countless times of us getting lost while I was behind the wheel.

"Can you find your way out ?" He asked again after I ignored his question.

"I hope so..." Was my very sakit hati reply.

Upon arriving at a junction, I decided to take right. Didn't realise it was a tense moment until I heard Abang breathed out heavily as he exclaimed, "Yes ! I remember this house !"

He has no faith in his mother lah.

I took a left next (after almost turning right)and it was a long and winding road. All the way Abang's body was erect as he studied the street ahead. He was ecstatic when he recognised another landmark. "I remember that lampu Mummy ! The stadium lights !"

HEhehhehe.......

Then he saw a signage to our town. "Left ! Left ! You have to turn left !!" I know lah, little boy. I am not that dense. I could read too !

He saw anotehr signage and again he told me where to turn.

"Mummy, luckily I saw all these signs. I can see very well you know because I have big eyes so I can see a lot of things... I notice things faster....."

Sudahlah kau. Dah tulisan besar-besar, aku pun nampak le....

And you know what he told his Babah afterwards ?

"I navigated Mummy to the way home. If not we would have gotten lost...I saw everything and remember the way home..." He was so proud of his navigation skills, I didn't have the heart to whack his head.

Oh...

Please do not bother spending RM 11 to watch Skyline. Trust me, it was crap. Don't. Kamil didn't believe me and he wasted RM 44 for the 4 of us. You could actually judge a movie by its poster. Hmmmmmmmmmmm........

XYZ in a packet

The day before yesterday, my team mate bought a huge pack of XYZ (I do not have the courage to put down the name of the junk food kegemaran ramai. Satgi kena saman lak). Teringin pulak walaupun it was not something that I usually take.

Anyway as I reached out for one, my mind travelled back oohhh.....many, many years ago (too malu to actually put down a number)and as I opened the packaging, I inadevertantly let out a laugh.

V, whose XYZ I pau-ed remarked, "She likes to laugh..." and so I have to share just in case his remark meant that he thinks I am cuckoo.

Once upon a time, I was in the car with mom picking up my brother from high school, the same one that I went to 3 years after he did. Anyway it was after hours and mom parked her car in front of the main gate, which very, very typical of Malaysian school, was locked.

Aku seriously tak tau why kat Malaysia ni most schools diharamkan guna main gate. Main gate untuk perhiasan saja.

Getting back to the story, there were 3 Indian girls waiting in front of the gate, sitting on a pavement. I was looking at them, terliuq I must add, eating XYZ. They had packs and packs of them okay.

Mum hardly allowed us the luxury of junk food, so that was why le aku terliuq. So there I was watching them not knowing that my mom was watching them too and was getting angrier and more irritated by the minute.

My mother, people, she wind down her window and to my shock and horror started addressing those girls in a firm motherly tone.

"Kenapa makan benda ni ? Racun tau tak benda-benda ni..." I have heard this lecture so many times before but I was never as mortified as this to hear it !! And I wasn't even at the receiving end ! "Nanti sekolah tak pandai sebab otak dah rosak kena racun. Lagi baik you beli buah makan dari makan ini... Mari sini, you bagi saya. Saya ganti balik you punya duit !"

Can you just imagine the shocked faces of those girls ? I remember one had her mouth hanging open with a hand poised at her mouth just about to shove a piece of XYZ goodness.

My mother had to cajole them again and again to hand over the poisons as she so called and finally, finally those girls did ! I didn't know where to hide. As she collected those stuffs from her, she went on and on about how their parents sent them to school hoping they would do well in and here they are poisoning themselves.

She handed them money and then mercifully my brother arrived.

Gila tak ?

I mean, I wonder why I am crazy ?

hehheheheheheheh....

I am sleepy...

Today was a sleepy day at the PG office. Yesterday we checked in the hotel as soon as we arrived but then we just dumped our bags in our respective rooms and quickly head to the office.

So how would I know that when I finally entered my room at 9.30 pm after gruelling, gruelling work and dinner, that the air-cond would be blowing almost hot air. But because I was too bone weary, I ignored it and slept. Entah kenapa around midnight it stopped working all together. I tried ignoring it but it got stuffier and stuffier so I had to call for help.

Dah malam2 cuma ada receptionist and pak guard and after she godek2 a bit I had to call her back 10 minutes after she left my room. Tak jadi pun. It still wouldn't work. I was assigned to a new room with air conditioning that acted as it should but my windows pulak was facing a huge karaoke outlet.

So eventhough now I have a nice cool room, my ears were assaulted with boom boom boom.

So, which is the lesser evil ? Stuffy room or a noisy one ?

Of course today I was like a zombie.

Can't concentrate.

My mind wasn't working. During meeting pun I was quiet. Rest is important, children. Remember that. Get your 8 hours, okay. For your sanity.

Time like this I miss my ex-boss. He would've asked me to catch a few winks to freshen me up. He'd always maintained that unless I spend 10 minutes napping, I would have wasted 2-3 hours being unproductive.

So true. So true.

Yikes ! It is almost 11 so I must turn in now.

If the karaoke people have the decency to tutup kedai by midnight lah.

Yawnnnnnn....

I saw myself in 20 years time

Yesterday was Deepavali so Happy Deepavali to those who celebrate it. So it was a holiday and we as usual went to our favourite braksfats haunt to.. well get breakfast ! Ha !

Anyway while we were there, I saw a friend's mom busy tapau-ing food. Looking at the numbers of foam boxes she filled and other stuffs she packed I surmised she was buying for her whole house.

I don't know why the sight of her filled me with pity. Maybe because I always see her alone. Maybe because I see her do that alone almost every week, tapau-ing for her family. When I searched my memory, I remember seeing her with her family only twice. And I once saw her daughter there with her in-laws without this makcik.

Am I going to start deriding my friend ? Scorning and pointing my finger at her for not taking care of her mum ?

Nope. Because I do not know the real story. Because maybe she likes doing it.

My mom loves to menyusahkan diri dia for us. She actually buys my ikan for me. Especially now since I am always out-stationed she would inspect the contents of my freezer and if it is not filled to the brim, she would volunteer herself for the job of replenishing my supplies.

Last week she called to say that she has nasi lemak ready and when I got home, there was sambal sotong and bilis. I mean... why lah ? I could have taken her out for breakfast. Si Kamil pun dia call to mai makan when the man is at work. He called me while I was busy stuffing my face. "You makan nasi lemak kat rumah Mummy ye ?" Malam when he returned home he asked, "So.... Adik makan nasi lemak kat rumah Tok ke ?" heheheheh.. Jealous ke darling ?

The night before she called to say that she made steamboat and announced that she had just plunged the goodies into the hot boiling soup.

What ? Call me before the thing is ready lah. I could have helped you. Pegi beli fishballs ke hapa ke. Ini tidak she called me to just come and eat. Aku rasa kalau aku nganga mulut she would feed me willingly.

And because of that aku kesian. Bersusah payah for her kids. Why ? She wants to feel wanted ? And needed ?

She feels that the only reason we would come home of there are food on the table ? You know while we were there, she made drinks and poured them in our glasses. Layan cucu and menantu makan, topping our bowls and all.

Pernah sekali aku nak test dia. So while eating I told her teringin makan bubur gandum. And bubur gandum appeared on her table the next day. Nasib baik next day kalau dan dan tu jugak aku rasa aku pengsan kot.

HEhehehehehe..........

So... that is why aku kesian dengan makcik tu. Dragging her feet (she was a bit) to do what she knows best, feeding and nurturing her family while they still want her.

Sigh.......

Tactics Adik

While I am on the net reading a British daily, lying on my stomach, Adik was (is still is) next to me, her head on my arms as we read together. She would sometimes rubbed her nose on my arms a few times before returning to the screen.

Just like her Babah. He loves to rub his itchy nose on me. Nothing else could take the itch off like my skin. Ha ha.

Anyway, I remember one day this very smart little girl asked me, "Are you happy, Mummy ?" I said yes and, "Because I am the only person in this whole wide world ada little girl nama Adik...."

She beamed with plesure and curiosity. "Why do you say that ?"

"Yelah, there is only one Adik in this whole wide world and I am the lucky one Allah chose to be her mother.... I am sooooo happy because of that..."

And she smiled the whole day.

Anyway last night she called to inform me of her results. About 6 subjects over 90% but then, 70% for Bahasa. I questioned her in a very, very firm tone and she answered with, "Mummy tahu tak dadi ada budak lelaki ni nama A and then dia pukul saya ! Sakit tau ! Sampai saya rasa nak muntah..."

Tactics to deviate my attention from her terrible marks. I just let it slide lah because I was in Johor and I didn't want her to be anxious waiting for my return... or even worse her wishing that I delay my return until I have forgotten all about it!

When she informed her Babah afterwards, she slyly made no mention of her BM. Upon Babah asking, she said, "Ohh.... Tak dapat lagi...."

Hmmmmm.........

SO when I returned home, in front of her Babah I asked for her full results. She blushed and laughed nervously then mumbled and left.

Hai lah.........

Problem lagi

This morning a colleague asked whether I am going anywhere nice during this long weekend.

Sedih aku dengar.

I really want to but Kamil ni susah sikit. He doesn't like to travel one thing. The other thing is he is sooooooo busy with work. Especially since he just joined his new outfit.

He would only contemplate about leaving his office at 9pm. Usually he would arrive home about 9.30 to 10. I pity my kids. Evey night they would complain that Babah isn't home. Mak pulak is outstation.

And it is soooo hard to get him. Phone calls are usually unanswered. Sometimes I felt like flinging my phone in frustration.

Of course I would sometime (sometime ? hah !) think that "Is this guy really at work ?" I mean if it is 8pm and you could not answer your phone then do not blame me if I start to be convinced of other unpleasant things.

Okay.. sorry..... Out of topic pulak.

Anyway, Mum planned to go back to Penang for Raya Haji. Excited giler dengar because I love Penang. But then the problem lies with my husband lah if he can take time off. I hope he could because I need a break.

All these traveling and being apart from my family has taken a toll on my mood and body. Mood of course not good and body feels so damn tired. Maybe it is my leg. It is throbbing now. Am very reluctant to take pain killers but who am I trying to kid ?

Anyway, Abang informed me that si Janggut passed away. Hehehhe......... Our cat G gave birth to 5 more kittens about a month ago. 1 died after was run over by a car. Who was the behind the wheels ? It wasn't me so......

2 went missing. I didn't even know who catnapped them or if they became runaways but 1 day I just noticed that I could only see 2.

Now si Janggut took his last breath about late afternoon so now tinggal lah adik dia si Hitam (he is soooooo not black.. It is a mixture of dark brown and black).

I am not going to lie and say that I was ecstatic with their births. 5 ! I of course despaired at the thought of having 8 cats of varying ages and sizes running around the house and desecrating and consecrating it at the same time but I was planning to give them away to respectable and loving homes. I don't want them to go like this !

Tapi G kan has been very unlucky with her babies. Her first birth produced 2 kittens which went missing suddenly. She spent the whole day looking for them, calling them with forlorn meows that broke our hearts. Then she gave birth to N and that was it. Aku yang rasa rugi perut memboyot tak hengat punya sekali keluar 1.

Ini elok2 ada 5 sekali tinggal 1.

Apa lah nasib ko G.

Which reminds me Kamil has to take her to the vet to be spayed. Dah jadi bohsia our street dah minah tu.

Hissshhhh !

Masalah2 aku

I am too tired today.

The gammy leg didn't do me any favours as my movements are slow and when I walk in a group I have to drag my feet faster. It is hurting a bit and I of course am imagining the worse.

Staying at a new hotel. Well new in the sense that we are not at our staple hotel. Fully booked that one so we have to stay at a hotel further than the office but swankier.

Swankier pun all of us were given windowless rooms. It is cosy though and a nice change from where we usually stayed. But jauhlah and jalan jam pulak tu.

In terms of Astro, it only provides AXN and Star Movies. And for 2 days when I could finally settle down to watch the telly, they showed Amazing Race. I hate Amazing Race. So... there goes my only way to relax.

Katil kecik. Heheheh.... Everybody complained. Everybody claimed they slept with their feet dangling ergo sleepless night. Since I am vertically challenged, I slept like a baby. HAHHAHHAHAHAH.... The only pro for being short.

Work is hard. Everybody has team mates. I don't. I have to do my work scope alone. Hmmm.... Well my boss lends a hand from time to time but because we have 3 teams (sort of le as aku solo kan)therefore there are 3 objectives so he is a bit stretched.

Oh... bought a few tudungs just now. The kind that my husband doesn't like. I will only wear them when I am here, which is half of the time, so his eyes would not be sore from seeing me in it. Banyak songeh lak mamat tu.

I miss my babies.

And my husband has been neglecting to touch base.

So... aku meroyan.

Oh yeah, I think I chose the wrong combination of outfits for Thursday. They don't look flattering at all. Swithing the Wednesday baju with Thursday seluar didn't work. I did try to find a replacement but this is... well... this is here. Where got baju that is worth my money ?

Don't have.

So tambah aku meroyan.

Speech fits for the Oscars

I am so rajin berblogging this weekend. No lah..I have one story that I have to tell before I forget.

About 1.40 on Thursday Abang called excitedly announcing that he got an A for his karangan.

This mother was shocked because his A for Karangan is as rare as the dodo bird. No lah... that is too harsh. As rare as a good Malay movie...Hahahha....

I quickly called Kamil with the news and he too was overwhelmed with disbelief quickly hung up to get the full story from the tembam one.

Then, I got home. He of course was waiting with his papers in hand. With that A for his karangan he officially got As for all his UPSR subjects. I went up to prepare for Maghrib hugging him by the shoulder as he read (yes... you read it right, he read )the whole paper to me....

I bathed and still he read while leaning on the door frame. Luckily when I prayed he waited patiently for me to finish but as soon as I put down my hand after doa, he started again.

Since I injured my leg, I have been praying while sitting on the sofa. So there I was, seated on the sofa, suspecting nothing... when my son suddenly out of the blue delivered his ... err... thank you speech.

"Mummy, I owe all of this to you and Babah (masa ni aku dah start angkat kening in bewilderment dah). I have to thank you and Babah for helping me to succeed... (This time I have resigned to my fate....). You and Babah helped me a lot (masa ni he choked a bit and I... sorry to say wanted to be anywhere than there sebab punya segan tak terkira)and always pushed me so I am very grateful..."

That was the gist of it lah. What was missing was the little golden man, I tell you.

He then quickly left the room as it was clearly an emo time for him. Mummy was thankful for that because she had to be alone and recollect herself. Hehheheheh.....

However, I won't be me if I did not put Kamil in that exact same spot too. Not fair.

So while he was lounging on the bed, willing himself to mandi I decided there will be no time like the present and called for my son.

"Abang... you delivered such a nice speech for me tadi..(masa ni Babahnya dan tegak sikit....)and I think you should do the same for Babah...(masa ni he had started panicking)....."

Anak aku yang aku tak tau lah mai dari mana ni turned to his Babah and summoned all his emotions like he did with me earlier and performed.

Babahnya merah sampai ke telinga !

HAHAHHAHAHAHA !!!!!

Sigh.... manalah hang belajaq nak bagi speech pulak anak ku....Mana ?

PS :

Balik from our lunner (lunch + dinner)he surprised me with his Agama paper pulak. Again he read it to me. While he was reading Adik came and asked "You got an A for Agama too ?" I detected a litlle hint of jealousy there.

When Abang proudly showed his 90% in red ink, she rolled her eyes and mumbled a very insincere "Tahniah, tahniah."

Request from across the causeway

Ah Zee who is still yet to have a blog requested for carrot cake recipe.

I love carrot cake, having eaten them when I was about 9 at a bestfriend of my mom's. Just for the record, her daughter T pushed me to it, assuring me that carrots and sugar do go well together.

However, my family doesn't share my passion. My son doesn't even like cake. Tak laku so I do not excatly have a trusted recipe. My sister-in-law uses Chef Wan's recipe and it is rather nice. Unfortunatley I do not own a copy so I cannot publish it here.

I do have one that I made once upon a time ago though and it was okay. The recipe didn't have any pineapples in it, but I added some.

So here goes;

Carrot Cake

2 cups sugar
1 cup vegetable oil (I melted some butter instead.. Finds butter has more oooommpppphhh than mere oil)
4 whole eggs
2 cups flour
1/2 tsp salt
1 tsp baking powder
1 tsp bicarbonate soda
1 tsp ground cinnamon
2 cups grated carrots

Mix sugar, oil and eggs. In another bowl, sift flour, salt, baking powder, soda and cinnamon. Add to first mixture and combine well. Add carrots (and pineapples if you are using them) and mix well. Bake at 17g decC for 30 minutes.

Icing

125g butter, softened
8 oz cream cheese
1 lb icing sugar (please lessen the amount of sugar.. 1 pound is too much... )
2 tsp vanilla

Cream butter and cheese. Add sugar and vanilla.

If you decide to try, I hope it turns out well.

Anyway Abang's condition is better this morning. All the rashes are completely gone. Now waiting for his Babah to wake up and take him to the hospital again for a spot of nebulizer.

Adiknya pagi tadi announced to us is a very, very scandalous tone that Abang, "Is playing game with his injected hand !"

At my so ? she sheepishly added, "Can I play the computer ?"

Hampeh betullah budak ni.

Multi-tasking lady at 1 am...

It is 1 am and Kamil and I just returned from the hospital.

Abang was scratching at 3 pm and by 10 when I thought he was already off to slumberland, he came in to show rashes all over his body. I freaked out. His Babah freaked out more because when he is worried, he nagged. And nagged. And nagged.

Man... I tell you that man can really give it lah.

Went to DEMC. I wasn't happy with that. Would rather SDMC but when a man is in mak ayam mode, don't kacau him.

Chest was tight so the good doctor said the rashes probably stemmed from his asthma. Injected him with medication that made my baby cried. Sedih giler aku when I saw him cried out in pain because all 38 kg of him is mine. Sian dia.....

Doctor said that he was to put under observation. So we settled in for a long night. Adik slept on my arms and Babah slept holding and rubbing his son's arm. Tulah... tadi berleter... risau gak kan...

We are home now. I am blogging and watching the last CD of Criminal Mind Season 5.

Husband the workaholic is downstairs typing away too. But he is more responsible. He is doing work. I though am a mom so I am watching telly, blogging and watching my son like a hawk. Oh, I am adding packing for my trip to that too.

Please pray for my baby's health. I thank you in advance.

Last night in bed

Last night I arrived home first.

When my husband entered our room, I was already in bed.

He smiled, started unzipping and sat down next to me.

I have unzipped a long time ago.

He leaned over for a kiss and I offered my cheek to him.

He then flipped it open and started typing.

I returned to the screen in front of me and started typing too.

He would sometimes reach out for my hand to squeeze and I would intermittently stroke his cheek.

So there we were, 2 employees of the same conglomerate, in bed with our identical lap tops in front of us, working away at 10 pm.

Darn it. I am sure Dunlopillo didn't mean for its mattress to be used as such. I am sure they were thinking of something a little more on the salacious side. What a waste of springs.

Innalillahi wa innailaihi rojiun....

Yesterday around 6.05 I received a phone call from IRM. His mom passed away, not 15 minutes before from her illness.

Oh dear.

IRM is one of our dearest and closest friends. Granted we had only known him for 2 years I think but he has become quite an important person in our lives. And my family's.

Balik raya dia ikut. My cousin kawin dia tolong buat kerja kawin. So he is family.

I cannot take the pain away. Nothing can. I know maybe you are bored to hear this, but you have no idea how sorry I am and please, take good care of yourself. Sabar. That is the best and only thing I can offer you.

You want to sit down and cry ? Come.. we can do that.

You don't want to talk about it ? Sure, whatever makes you happy.

Kamil and I talked last night about how we wish we could stay over his house and teman dia. Or attend the funeral today. But I am too busy and Kamil much more than me. He just joined this new outfit last Friday and there is no way he can take leave.

Hmmm....... How our employers dictate our lives kan ? How we must be apologetic to them when something bad happened to us.

How funny.

How sad.

How exasperating is that ?

Al-Fatihah.

PS : On the way home from his house yesterday about half past midnight, Kamil noticed a very thick substance the size of rain drops were on the car screen. He tried water and wipers on it but it somehow made things a bit worse as the scattered droplets spread and smeared all over the screen. After a few attempts then it cleared somewhat.

Then, as we motor on new ones dropped from the sky like it was rain. But it was not rain. It was too thick. Kamil again had to do the multiple water and wipers trick. Then it happened again.

What the hell was on the car ? Or flying overhead us ?

I really do not want to analyse it but gatal nak cakap jugak...

Hmmmm........

Peace out

This morning went back to Kamil's kampung. His cousin got married. He didn't go though. He had an event at his workplace so I went with his sister.

The food was good and so unexpected. Yelah, they served kari daging and crispy sambal bilis and tempe, pecal.... Not the default nasi briyani with its normal accompaniments. So it was good. When my cousin got married 2 weeks ago too was a surprise. They served gulai nangka and asam pedas.... Hehhe... my children kawin nanti, I am going to serve just that. No nasi briyani malarky.

Aku a bit meroyan today.

An issue that was not properly settled sort of like attacked me today. On the way home I kept thinking about it because I had no closure. How I wish I could just write about it here.

So right now I am lying on my bed and still bloody thinking about it. I can't broach the subject to the reason I am in this state of tension because he is gonna freak out and a fight is the last thing I want. I am tired.

So... my husband is at work. Sigh. Government of Malaysia should make it a crime for employers who force their employees to work on a weekend. When we as a society are slapped with moral issues one after another, Governemnt blame parents, not the cause of the parents to be absent. Which is usually bosses. Errm... the blame is shared equally with adultery I suppose.

Hahaha...

But if they impose such rule, takdelak kedai yang bukak for us to take our kids to. KLCC, One Utama semua tutup.

Maybe because our favourite past times is hanging out at the shopping complexes lah bosses suruh kita kerja weekends. Cuba kalau kita bawak anak2 pi tasik ke, sungai mana-mana, then people in retail can take a rest on weekends too.

Apa aku merepek ni ?

Told you guys aku tengah meroyan kan... Inilah kesannya.

I'd better sign off before I cause a national outcry or a scandal.

Until then...

Hari Sabtu

Yesterday as we made our way home across the jerebu (it was sooo bad... giler weii)I noticed the red sun.

Terus teringat the first red sun I saw. It was eons ago, our first week in London. We were in a cab, Kamil and I, and I remember we gawked at the very, very red sun.

So of course terus teringat lah kekasih hati yang dah 5 hari tak jumpa.

I miss him. I miss our kids.

I miss home.

It was nice to sleep in his arms again last night. But early morning he left for work. And is not expected to be back before 9 pm. Repeat same thing tomorrow.

I am busy cooking. A friend ordered lasagnas, chicken pies and tarts.

I worry greatly when I calculated the price. I am sorry. I do not get my ingredients cheap. I got them at Tesco and Giant. Actually my sister did. I was away, outstation, so my sister had to the shopping for me.

Anyway, the food was expensive.

Last week, another friend ordered shepard''s pie. Again the cost was high. What with mozarella that I applied liberally on top.Takpelah nak sedap yek.

Next time, when I do this full time and dapat merchan't price (meaning aku beli secara pukal), then it will be cheaper.

Eh,I want to do this full time ?

Anyway, this friend ordered last year and she likes the tarts. She said she wants custard and choc cream. Topping apa I asked. She said, sama lah like last year.

Errr..... I really couldn't remember what I did for her last year so when a friend hulur a tub of blueberry topping, I took it.

Hopefully sedap.

The lasagna is warming in the oven. The tarts in the fridge and the pies are smelling so damn good.

I throw in butter cake for her to rasa.

Hopefully sedap.

Hopefully semua sedap.

Sorry about the harga again.

Merepek session

Last weekend hari marah...

Feels a bit juvenile for having that breakdown....

Today is hari tension.

Because at site again. For a week again. Next week dok diam-diam for a week before mobilising to site again. For 2 weeks again. Oh, weekends at home of course as usual.

Then I have one review which I know not the location. Hopefully it is KL.

That is 2 weeks. So again, I am hoping it will be in KL or kawasan yang sewaktu dengannya.

Then, Thailand.

So.... if I count, at least 10 nights a month I am away from my family.

10 nights a month.

That sounds a lot.

So I have only 20 nights a month cozying up to my husband and tucking my children into bed.

Yesterday my kiddies and I had a little bedtime chat. Adik asked why must I go again. I simply said because if I don't then she can't attend her tennis lessons and arts classes that she loves.

But... are those classes more important than having me around ? Okaylah, memanglah it is just not those classes in jeaopardy if I decide to quit (which I would never especially since they just confirmed me last Monday, ha !)but, would it be soooo bad if I stay home ? Financially speaking, of course.

Ini my boss suruh ambik MBA. Not for him he said, but for me. For my future.

Hmmmm............ Just thinking about it makes me feel tired.

Speaking of tired, he asked me just now if I am okay. He said, my body language screams tiredness. Really ? I thought I am robust and energetic... Chewah ! Hheheheh...

Anyway, berbalik kepada topik asal, I think I should aim to get back into operation. Not now. Give me 2-3 years here then maybe I will be ready for operations. Budak-budak pun dah besar and I believe they actually need me more then... for supervision.

Actually when our kids dah besar2 lagilah we need to diligently pick them up from school and send them everywhere to keep tabs on them. A bit draconian perhaps ? Too controlling you think ? I don't care. I need to take care of my kiddies.

Nak pegi dating ? Okay, Mummy can hantar. Before that give me her/his mom's phone number first.

What ? His/her mom tak tahu ? Then, let's not do this yet.

Saw a lot of benda bukan-bukan. Akhlak budak2 sekarang I mean. I cannot let them go free.

So.... sapa-sapa nak bagi I kerja yang tak banyak travel ? Not now... lagi 5 tahun...

Anyone ?

Ini hari aku marah

I am sooooooo bloody pissed off today.

Please understand 2 things about me.

Number 1

When I am at home, my mobile is usually not within my person. I am never bothered about my phone when I am home. Don't know why. It is usually in my handbag and if my husband or my children heard the phone rang then you will get to talk to me.

Typically, aku memang tak teringat langsung pasal my phone. My mother would usually call my husband. People who know me enough know that to get me at home, get my husband.

Kalau dak, time nak kerja lah I will return your call.

SO jangan buat tuduhan melulu kata aku saja tak nak jawab your phonecalls, okay.

Itu fitnah namanya.

Number 2

I am a migraine sufferer. A few things could trigger it. The sun theat shines straight to me eyes tiba-tiba is the favourite trigger.

Nowadays because of me feet, the throbbing pain could trigger it too.

I don't know why and I don't know how but it just happened. I can't bloody well help it. Aku kalau boleh pun tak nak ada migraine okay because the pain so damn awful.

So jangan marah aku if I get migraine sebab aku sendiri tak tau nak marah siapa. After all the pain is felt by me.

The pain is crippling okay, crippling. So most of the times... no make it all the time when it comes, I would usually sleep.

Benci !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Saya nak tukar sekolah

"Mummy ! Mummy ! Mummy !" Was how my daughter greeted me on the phone just now.

"Esok saya nak tukar sekolah !" Again ? Why ?

"Sebab tadi ada kawan saya nama Am. Kita orang tengah buat matematik kan pastu dia datang and tarik kawan saya H punya tudung and kawan saya U punya tudung !"

Err... dia tak kacau Adik pun. Yang hang sibuk nak tukaq sekolah tu awat ?

"Errr..... sebab..... saya dengan A cakap janganlah Am ! Pastu kan dia buat macam ni...*SILENT*.." aku apa pun tak nampak dia buat apa... heheheehehhe

"Pastu dia cakap Uh-uh-uh.. Maksudnya dia cakap saya dengan A ni bodoh !"

Pulak.. Pandai aje buat spekulasi.

"Lepas tu kan dia panggil saya nenek kebayan !"

Valid betullah reason dia nak tukaq sekolah tu.

Fat chance, dik... Fat chance..

Dah lama tak tulis...

Gosh ! I haven't written in such a looooooong time. So many things happened. Nice ones of course, like the reception of my cousins in Perak... That one I have to post pictures so nanti lah .....

Want to write about my kids. So many stories to recount, especially about their very, very smart mouths... But just didn't have the time to write so banyak dah lupa. The one that I do remember happened a few days ago.

We were in the car when Adik leaned forward and requested for a school change. Terkejut beruk gak mak dia.

"Because today A and N tak nak kawan saya. I was left alone...."

"What did you do ?"

"Nothing ! I didn't do anything !" Was the very defensive and usual answer.

"Haa.... Mak A told me that you selalu tak nak kawan A kan...... " I checked her reaction and she was smiling in shame.

"So sekarang it's your turn pulak... Tulah... buat kat orang lagi.....Ït's not a nice feeling kan ? So you'd better stop doing that to other people...."

And seperti biasa adalah wise words from her Abang...

"Sometimes kan Mummy... me and Amir or Daniel fight... We will ignore eachother but then eventually we will talk again... Maksudnya our friendships are very tight ah....."

HEhhehehehehehehhe.......

Aku tak taulah nak cakap apa pasal si Abang ni... Apa saja dia cakap mesti nak buat aku gelak punya.

Masa we balik kampung last Friday for my cousin's wedding, my sister CT ikut sekali because her husband had to work. When we stopped at Tapah, CT spotted Emot in the car.

"Abang ni.... tak lepas dengan Emot ni... Kelakar lah aku tengok....."

A-ah... Emot ni Abang will take everywhere with him. Walaupun he doesn't hold him sometimes, Emot must be within respectable distance. Dalam kete or in my handbag.

That is why yesterday, on the way home from Ipoh, when I heard Abang yelled "Adik ! you are sitting on Emot !" And then, "Don't worry ! I am saving you, buddy !" lepas tu dengar Abang sikit punya bergomoi dengan benda alah tu aku rasa, Abang and Emot ni macam Calvin and Hobbs.

Hahhaha..... cute.

Anyway, yesterday we stopped for gas in Ipoh. I heard Adik dok srot sret srot sret kat belakang, thinking it was selsema, I was surprised to see it was actually sobs complete with tears.

Laaa....awatnya ?

"Saya... saya.... sedih sebab sekejap sangat dekat Perak....." Came the mournful reply.

"Usually it is lama... I don't want to go home..... Boleh tak nanti kita balik Perak lagi ?"

Hehhehehehe..... kelakar le budak ni.. Nampak gayanya kena balik for Raya Haji.

Tadi JB... sekarang PG...

Am very, very tired.

5 am yesterday we woke up to get ready for our trip to JB. My cousin is getting married and we were sending him there.

We drove and stopped for sustenance at Pagoh with some of our family then sambung until tol Kulai Jaya where all of us were supposed to gather.

Then, the 30 minutes journey to the bride's house and selamatlah my cousin kawin. Masa dia nak akad nikah tu, aku dok teringat dia masa kecik-kecik. At that time my uncle and aunt lived in Shah Alam. They had like 3 children there before they moved back to Perak. So I had quite some time with these cousins and so very fond of them.

Anyway... my boss when he found out that I will be in JB, asked me to stay on, wait for him to come on Monday and proceed to the site in PG.

Tension ? Of course. I don't want to stay here alone on Sunday while my kids and hubby balik Shah Alam. Plus, we were scheduled to be in PG for 2 weeks the Monday after next week so.... don't see a reason why we can't just wait until then.

But... what to do ? Boss dictates and I comply.... That has been the rule since...well forever.

So.... it is already 7 pm on a Sunday and I am at the hotel in Masai... tired...and not alone !

Ha ! Kamil couldn't let me stay here alone so he decided to stay and teman me with the kids in tow. We are cramped in this very, very small room but it is okay because everybody is here.

Adik whe she saw the smallness of the room tried to be kind to her Momma.

"It's okay Mommy... This is okay.... I like it..." Said she as she looked around.

Abang ? Seperti biasa dengan sentimentalnya cakap, "It's okay Mommy.. as long as we are together...."

Ha ha...

So sat lagi after solat am taking them to eat at our favourite hang out. Bagus jugak dia orang teman I because I want them to see where I usually go and they can imagine where I eat everytime I come here.