Dear Shera......

Dear Shera,

Ita told us she wrote you a letter and felt better and so I thought I should do the same because I so desperately wants to feel better again.

I am not going to the whys and the hows because there is no point in that. I just know that Allah SWT had always wanted the good guys to be with Him and therefore I am not surprised that he chose you.

Shera…you have been such a gift to us, with your energy, love and kindness. I truly love you and I miss you so much. Mummy kept saying how empty the week has been and I wholeheartedly agree because I see you almost every week, don’t I ? We either pass each other in and out of Mum’s house or bumping into each other at Giant or whatever or just meeting up (like when we had our rendezvous at the sek 8/sek 9 junction 2 weeks ago), not seeing you at all is a bit surreal.

How have we been holding up ?

Us girls of course tried our best to not cry especially in front of your kids. We pine and wish for you and cry and cry and cry.

Mum… well… She’s confined to her room most of the time. She clutched your wedding pictures and looked lost. We are definitely worried about her, knowing how close you two are. None of us ate by the way and I wish I could show you my flat tummy !!

Ayah was away in Sarawak when you left us. He was in a meeting when Mummy called him and broke down there and then. The person that he was in a meeting with there did not allow Ayah to sleep alone in his hotel and took him to his home and Ayah slept in his guest room. Such kindness.

Ijat couldn’t handle his grieve and ran away to his dorm the day we buried you. He only called to cry and that was it. He came home on Saturday though and played with your babies.

Mail…. We haven’t told him yet. We will break him the news when he returns home next month. We fear his reaction and I do not look forward to it at all. I know he will get angry and start breaking things.

Syafiq…. well… he loves you so much despite everything Shera. He can’t be alone, neither can Mum actually, we have to constantly be at home to make sure they are okay.

Dan is not doing well either. He cried loads and kept calling me to say nothing at all. He can’t work and always wanted to be at Mum’s house for some reason. He sat on Mum’s bed, slept on Mum’s bed (Mummy had to sleep on the mattress on the floor) and just wanted to be with us.

I went to your grave for the first time yesterday. Didn’t do well because I vomited as soon as I got home.

Since our reaction to your passing is as severe as this, I couldn't imagine your parents' grief. We meet up a lot with your family. Luckily we got on very well with them, our two families are just like one huge one. I remember during Esya's birthday party I commented to Dan howmuch I love your family. So open and welcoming... no wonder you are like that.

Tapi kan Shera your first tahlil we did badly. I didn’t know where Mum put all her good plates and the cutleries and we were running around to get thing organized for you. As I was cutting the cupcakes (you would like it…it was delicious), I was expecting you to come and say, “Apa lagi nak buat, La?” and taking over as really it was you who had always run the show. But you didn’t come and I had to finish cutting the cakes alone and ordering the rest of what to do. At the end, I said, “Sorry, Shera. Your kenduri didn’t go so well. I will do better next time…”. Marlin broke down and cry when she heard what I said.

You have never been my sister-in-law but my own kakak. I have always told people how blessed we are to have such person who was willing to be our family… all of us didn’t have a choice…ha ha.

I read your blog and your facebook and saw how much people love you. It was evident enough during your funeral because people spilled out of the house into the street !! There were so many people gathered outside, we had to park our cars at the shop 2 streets away !! I feel that we must have done something right because you belong to us. This wonderful person who is so much loved actually belongs to us.

Will I ever be like I used to be ? I don’t think so because I keep expecting you to turn up. Maybe it is still early days but Shera, I do not want to forget. You cannot be replaced and I wish that I have given you more hugs or show how much I love you. We always thought we had more time, right ? Well we didn’t.

Hati ni merajuk sangat, Shera but I tak tahu dengan siapa. Sayu, sedih… I just can’t describe it. I wish I had done more. I was worried thinking that you left without knowing how much I love you but your parents separately told me you do know. They told me the things that you talked about me and I am just so glad to know that you know how I feel about you. You have such wonderful parents, Shera no wonder you are wonderful yourself.

In fact, as I sit to think about our last conversations, you did tell me how much you love us and I cling to that memory. It was actually that Saturday when Ita came back from Penang, your last weekend when we were laughing and being happy when you said that to me.

Umar told me that I shouldn’t worry. He said that I can still see you in heaven. “Since we get to live in syurga forever kan Mummy… you will get to see Cik Shera forever !!” He said.

Thank you, son. That made Mummy feel better as I have no doubt that Cik Shera memang ahli syurga. Impossible that somebody who is so well loved by many like her not to be in syurga. As I told Marlin, “Bila akhirat nanti, aku jumpa Shera aku nak cubit-cubit dia sebab buat aku sedih macam ni….”

Love you lots, dear sister. Rest in peace.