Apa ini ?

I really hate this new and improved blog. Does not allow paragraphs. Why ?

Tidur dengan Ashu saya boleh buat saya nangis

It is almost midnight and I just finished my work.

Sigh.... I am seriously tired and as my ex-boss said, stretched to the limit. Both of us made a day trip to Pasir Gudang yesterday and our conversation today was very weary and filled with sighs. Sian kita orang dua orang. Mana taknya sampai KL around 11pm and that doesn't include the trip from KL to Shah Alam. He has to go back to Cheras, dah dekat but he did drive for 8 hours, to and fro. Just can imagine how bone tired he is. We started our freaking journey at 5am, kay ?

Anyway I am sleepy.. but can't sleep. Kamil has some music on and I could never sleep with music blaring. Especially lagu mendayu-dayu which Kamil really favours.

Sigh... walking through the dreaded memory lane now, at a time when I was small and always got sent to my Opah, my mom's aunt. Whenever there, I will bunk with my Maksu which I totally hate because she literally sleeps hugging the radio. You know me. I am malancholy by nature. Every song, especially sad ones just brings me to sad events. I don't know why. Even if there are no sad events, I will just find a reason to be sad and sebek about.

Up until now if I ever listen to the Malay channels I will always think about my Maksu, especially when the DJ talks. I will always have this particular picture in my head of her smiling contently, the radio practically her pillow. And I remember crying softly that night (I could even remember the colour of the bed linen - red) because the music reminded me of my parents and somehow I felt like I was the most awful daughter God ever sent to earth.

And I remember her sighing when she realised what was happening on the other side of the bantal peluk (which again always remind me of her too... ehehehh). While I was busy regretting every little mistakes I ever made and making vows after vows to be good and begging Allah to spare me the furious fire of hell.. she slowly patted my thighs to comfort me.

Maksu passed away about 8 years ago, at the tender age of 35. I never knew she had heart problems so her death was one collosal shock to me. I remember feeling dizzy for days because nobody ever told me. She was such an important person at one point of my life that I just couldn't quite believe it that people failed to tell me.

Masa-masa nilah lagu Kerispatih keluar. Saja je nak buat aku sebek. Dah nangis pun.

Al-Fatihah for my Ashu.. Aliza Othman.

Actually, dik.. it was you !

Since our house was broken into, Adik has been sleeping with Abang because since that incident, we have been sleeping with our bedroom doors locked. Everytime I thought of the perp in our house, looking in my sleeping children, I feel sick in the stomach. However, it has been years since Adik's door could be locked. Kids, huh... They must break something at least once a year. So that is why Adik has to room with Abang. Kicking and screaming, of course. Every morning she would wake up crying about a) Abang kicked her while she was sleeping b) Abang hogged the blanket c) Abang's breath smells bad d) I hate abang e) Abang, abang, abang.. One morning she woke up crying to our room, sobbing and heaving, wailing "Can you please do something about my door knob ?" If she had been older, I am sure she would have inserted darn/damn somewhere in the sentence. Haha. At times I just feel that she is just using abang as a reason to cry in the morning as she just have to wake up grumpy and stroppy anyway. If she can cry in the process, that would be an added bonus. Anyway, during the time Kamil was sleeping in the hospital with his father, I had the kids filling up his space. And that was when I discovered that; a) she is the actual culprit. My head was kicked/strucked by her numerous times. b) she cried once in her sleep. And ... it was Abang who, while sleeping patted the empty space next to him and said, "Come here, dik... Mai sini dengan Abang... Everything is okay...." I got so sad when I heard that. Sad that my daughter cried in her sleep, because she always mentioned that she had nightmares and I had always thought that it was nothing. And sad to hear my son being so loving and mature. And all these while, kena tuduh bukan-bukan and dia senyap aje... Dah malas nak protest actually... Sigh....

So.... Hmmm....

So….

I saw her showing her very toned abs to my husband and all I could think of at that time was, how can I compete with that ? I mean I am all about being pudgy. And my abs ? Well… if ever my kids want to have a bouncy castle for their birthday, I could always offer mine to be trampled upon. They would have sooo much fun.

Okay, I should rewind a bit….

Not long ago, a friend came to my house. I think after awhile I went upstairs to pray or something like that and unfortunately had to go down again for some reason and saw THAT. Stumbled upon THAT scene.

Damn. Talk about being awkward.

I could see my husband being flustered and I.. well I slinked back up as I seriously do not know how to handle THAT.

So after that, it was a waiting game for me. Waiting for my husband to actually tell me about it. He didn’t. It ate me up for some reason. I wish to be told. I don’t know why. I just do.

Anyway, after forgetting about it, then suddenly coming back to me, and then disappearing again in the abyss of my mind, and then one day when it came to me again, I just blurted it out to my husband. Sigh, so much about wanting to be sophisticated on the matter.

My husband had the decency to blush and admitted that it happened.

When I asked why he didn’t confide in me, he said “What for ? It was nothing…” And we stopped at that. He looked like it was not a big deal, that it meant nothing for him. And I for some reason was extremely reluctant to pursue the matter.

Hmmm…….