Thursday, November 28, 2013

Pening fest...

I went Kedah yesterday for a one-day trip. The whole trip was okay except during our return trip home.  What should have been an hour flight became 2. The plane apparently couldn't land due to bad weather and so we circled the airport for 1 freaking hour.

I sometimes suffer from motion sickness travelling in a car. I have to take pills every time I have to travel more than 2-3 hours by plane. So.... you could just imagine how much I was enjoying myself.

I've never had panic attacks but I was sure I was in the verge of one last night. I felt sick to the stomach,  I can't breathe, I felt so rimas and was starting to feel adamant that I have to get out... like right now.

I was applying Tiger Balm all over my forehead and neck and chest, a very feeble attempt to stop myself from hyper-ventilating. I was greatful for something to do at least.

I am still pening. Very much. But I still went to work.

And now I am feeling all of my penings.

I wanna hurl...


Friday, November 22, 2013


Bibik has been crying. My daughter first alerted me to her bouts of crying. Although curious and worried, I said nothing to her, giving her space and privacy. Adik informed me that Bibik's husband had "kawin lagi satu, Mummy..."

Last weekend while cooking Bibik told me that her husband has another woman. She didn't eloborate whether they are married. She did recount of the tears she had shed and Adik persuading her to share her woes.

"Bibik bilang Adik ngak paham... Mummy aja yang paham...." But then, my daughter actually said, "Bik saya sudah 10 tahun bik. Saya boleh paham....." Heheh....

I said to her,

"Hai lah Bik, I am so sorry I couldn't help you at all. I do think you are already anticipating this because even while you were with him, living in the same house as he, sharing his bed... he still managed to father a child out of wedlock. What more do you expect when you are far away, beyond his reach ?"

She went quiet, so did I and we just said nothing. She smiled as she stared at her lap. I then caught her sitting outside at the back, singing. I saw her watering the same plant longer than she should while she stared into nothingness. I glimpsed her silhouette pacing her room from the window. 

I just can't help. I don't know how. The pain could not be alleviated by me. By anyone but him and Allah. Ya Robb, please makbulkan doa2 Bibik. Hanya kau yang punyai kuasa untuk membantu. Kasihan kan dia Ya Latiff... Ya Wadud... Ya Rahman.... Ya Rahim."

On another happier note, Kamil has accepted a new job that is Alhamdullilah near our home. 15 minutes drive actually. Which is around 10 minutes away from my office... when the road is clear... which only happen on weekends. Usually, it would take like 20 minutes to get in and 1 hour to get out. Crazy huh ?

What to do about Bibik ? I have no idea. Doa and doa and doa I suppose. And curse him sekali-sekala for hurting other people. Tengok lah... Allah akan balas kezaliman pak Wawan ya. Saya dah tengok banyak berlaku. Kita ceraikan isteri, sakiti hati isteri, Allah akan balas balik. Cepat atau lambat aje.

Syukurlah kalau balasan di terima di dunia... sekurang-kurangnya kifarah dosa kita dan Insyaa Allah kurang azab di neraka atau pun terselamat terus dari neraka jahanam. Tapi, kalau kita tak terima apa-apa balasan di dunia, ketaq lah... sebab Allah tak kesian kat kita and Allah nak balas di akhirat. Lagi haru...


Sabar lah bibik. Orang dianiya ni, Allah sayang. Ada benda yang lagi best Allah nak bagi.

Sunday, November 17, 2013

Of weddings and bubuq....

This weekend I went to 2 weddings. I love weddings and usually wouldn't miss any invitation. Walaupun for some obscure friend's sister's menakan. So going to these 2 weddings meant that I had the same menu twice in a row. The usual ayam masak merah, daging masak hitam and dalca. I told Kamil that for our kids' wedding, we will serve lemon chicken and kangkung belacan.

Apparently ice-cream is the trend du jour as it was served on both weddings. Not that it is a complaint, mind you. The best thing though is one wedding served fresh apam balik. Sigh.... nice...... The other wedding pulak served bubur caca, which is a nice surprise.

I love bubur, all the variety. My mom always made gandum and kacang hijau. Sometimes she would make the ones with ... errmmm.... the round discs made with tepung kanji. Oh... and pengat pisang. I love them. My mom's pengat pisang is the best, the soft golden bananas, jostling for space with beautiful sago.... With just the right amount of gula merah and salt. My favourite is jagung though (I love jagung... ) which I get from outside or from my biras. My friend talked about the nangka variety which I have never got the privilege to taste and yearn and yearn for. I don't make them at home though cause Kamil hates them. My kids gawked at them like they come from Kryptonite.... So no point, really. Makan sorang memang tak best.

Plus the santan.... Hmm.... My butt has rivalled those of Kim Kardashian, so maybe it is a good thing, hey ?

Last month mum made bubur gandum. I tapaued them for breakfast at the office. It was so nostalgic partaking them. Every bite filled with memories, made me feel safe..... Once while we were ensconced in London, MIL made bubuq kacang. She was soo cute, Mak... She had forgotten how to make them and asked me if we need to rendam the kacangs first. Hehhehehhe... Anyway, Mak's bubuq was soooo good too. I remember always stealing some from the kitchen, taking more than my fair share. Hey.. I figured since Kamil doesn't eat them, I was just taking his allocation kan.... Hahahhaha... *Malu*.

Sigh... Sometimes I do feel that all these melancholic bouts that I am experiencing is the onset  of depression. Maybe... I will go crazy.... Big maybe.... 


Friday, November 15, 2013

Post boring

So... I have been wanting to write, but every time my attempts were thwarted.... by the impossibility of writing via an iPad. A mini one at that. Once we have the iPad, the poor laptop has been gathering dust.  So here I am, firing it up again because I couldn't bear to see my blog abandoned.

I have expected this, the slow death of blogs what with the popularity of FB. But I like blogs. It affords me to write more and the audience is usually somebody I don't know. Heheh... the beauty of writing anonymously.

Hmmm.... what has been happening ? My children are getting bigger. I feel so sad sometimes watching them because I always feel that I didn't do enough. I have always wondered if I am attentive enough mother, whether I am actually a good one that they will revere.... heheh...  asked for nothing less than to be revered, hey ?

About a month ago, when Adik came down the stairs just in t-shirt and jeans,  Babah commented that she looked simple, and Babah liked that. Usually when she goes out, there is the pre-requisite cardigan and bag. But as she swept passed her Babah, she said, "I don't do simple, Bah. I do fabulous..." Hehheheh.... Babah didn't manage to say anything at all after that.

Once I asked her the whereabouts of her brother. Her answer ? "He has locked himself in the room, like any normal teenagers, mom..."

Heh... yup. She herself has grown up and what more her brother who like she said, spent his days in his room, doing God knows what. However, he still comes to the room to drape himself on the bed or lie on the floor while watching telly with me. Until Kamil comes to chase them away, that is.

I don't know why he does that. I feel so sad whenever I see their dejected looks and slowly leaving the room. I keep telling him that they wouldn't be with us for long. Even now Abang is spending less and less time with us, but no... he doesn't listen. Being a parent could sometimes be very melancholy. Watching the kids grow hurts. I know I should feel proud to see that I managed to raise them even though I work.

And I am still working and missing my kids.

On a happy note, because I work we are taking the kids for a holiday next year. January we will be visiting Dubai.

So that is nice.

I can't wait.

You know I keep thinking what else I can write about. You know anything that is exciting at least.


I am getting a new niece. Yeay ! She is not ready yet.... there is still some months... but she is coming soon.

I managed to drive myself to Genting. Yeay ! But... it is really not even halfway. I didn't go until the end. Just until Genting View Resort. Itu pun my second meeting there. My first meeting, Kamil took leave and sent me all the way there. I protested of course, telling him it is unnecessary as I am very sure I could navigate myself there. I mean bukannya I will be going off-road kan. He, the love of my life, just harrumphed and looked skeptical. I know when I am in a losing battle....

Hehhehe.... Killjoy.

Huh.... that is it.

Haha..... I will try to write more. But it depends if I actually have anything to write about.