I hate second guessing myself

So……

Anak aku, my little boy managed to get 5As for his UPSR.

Seronok kan ? I am so happy for him, for us. Memang it is only UPSR but to see his hardwork, all those studyings, and ferrying him to classes finally paid off.

Including all the marah-marah, and the emotional pujuk-pujuk and nasihat too of course.

Ada orang ni cakap aku garang dengan anak-anak sebab tu lah Abang dapat 5A. I don’t know if she really meant that Abang is not clever and could not do it without the extra effort. Whatever. But I feel like I must stress that apart from garang, I am also loving and funny and generous.  Kalau dak, Kamil would not have said, “You are a good mother…” when I asked him to describe me in a sentence.

I really wanted to hear, “Sexy siren..” really.. considering that he is my husband…. But there you go. That was what he thought of me. Him, the person that I could not lie to or hide things from since we share pillows should know me better than anybody and everybody in this whole wide world, dak ?

So apart from garang, I should really have other positive attributes as a mommy, yeah ? Perasan ke aku bila aku cakap macam ni ? Entah.

So… that spoiled my mood a bit.

Still I am happy for Abang. And proud of him. When cikgu called out his name, we were still walking to the auditorium. We heard a few names being called but we have no idea what that was about. Baru nak naik tangga, we heard his name being called and kelam kabut lah kami berlari dalam terpinga-pinga.

“Why are they calling your name, Abang ?”

“I really have no idea…” he said.

When we reached the first floor, where the auditorium is, several people called out his name. Some patted his back while aku and dia tercengang-cengang. Adik was trailing behind us and Kamil was not even there because he was still trying to find a parking space.

When we got to the door, a teacher saw him and shouted his name. He went in while I stopped at the door. Cikgu gave him the slip and he looked at it. “Menggeletar tangannya….” Said the teacher to the crowd (she was holding a mike).

He then turned around to me and with the biggest smile ever said, “I got 5As !” I motioned him to come to me because they were waiting for him to leave before calling the next name. He started to leave before he stopped, turned around to the teacher and said, “Terima kasih, cikgu….”. They laughed. I think I was more proud of that, him being so polite.

He showed me the paper, I got all emotional and hugged him tight. Masa tu hilang euphoria, hilang pride. Yang ada cuma kasihan. I don’t know why aku kesian sangat dengan dia at that very moment.

Maybe all those years of reminding him to study, marah dia when his results are not up to mark. Stress budak tu agaknya. Bila dah dapat the coveted 5A, now what ?

At that moment aku rasa macam, what is all this for ?

But trust me, it was just but for a fleeting moment sebab lepas tu when I saw Kamil, terpinga-pinga jugak, I was truly happy again.

Aku rasa yang penting is he understands the requirement to work hard. Eventhough time has changed and our everyday life changed where bullock carts changed to cars, lampu pelita to light bulbs, dapur kayu to gas stoves but the requirement to work hard did not change. You still have to work hard to live. And this is the most important lesson learnt in this process.

Cuma… well.. I just hope that the memories of him working hard does not overshadow the memories of him mucking about, having fun and just be a little boy. Hari tu we watched Criminal Minds and there was this scene where the villain, while falling down to his death from a building was experiencing the customary your whole life passed before your eyes thingy.

Abang commented that it is sad that the villain only had 3 good memories and probably that was why he became orang jahat. Before he drifted to sleep that night, he again talked about that and from there I know that it has a profound effect on my son.

Therefore I really, really, really hope he has more than 3 good memories !

Congratulations my darling, darling boy. Mummy is sooo proud of you.