Sedih raya dah mula

Semalam Adik told me that Nuzul Al-Quran is the day when Quran goes up to heaven.

“So malam ni Quran saya akan naik ke atas lah….”

Hehehhehe….

“Buat apa naik atas…?”

“Err…. I dunno… “

She cocked her head to the side, in deep thoughts. I didn’t correct her yet because I want to know what is cooking in there.

Then..”Maybe, Allah nak baca kot… Dia nak pinjam……….”

HAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHH !

Sigh… you can really make my day lah Adik even though your story sebenarnya terbalik.

Nuzul Quran, little one is the day the first ayat Quran diperturunkan dari Allah and was brought by Malaikat Jibrail to Rasullullah SAW while he was bertapa-ing in Gua Hiraq, where he was commanded to Iqra’ or bacalah.

So really instead of naik, it actually turun you know….

Hehheheh……………..

Anyway, pejam celik, pejam celik dah nak raya dah. And seperti biasa and seperti tahun2 sebelumnya dari aku kecik sampai lah aku besar, aku sayu when raya is around the corner. Pantang dengar lagu raya aku mesti rasa nak sebak.

When I was smaller, aku sebik bila I thought about my Arwah Tok Wan who passed away when I was 7. Everytime balik Penang terasa sangat dia tak ada. EVenthough for years he was just there on the bed, but I love being with him. We sort of have a staring contest where I would just look at him and he me. Then I would scrutinise his face and hands where I take note of every mole and wrinkles. And I would inhale him. Scent is very important to me. I would always inhale his scent and feel satisfied when the familiarity of it took over my senses.

I also get veryyyy sebak everytime I waved goodbye to my Tok in Perak when we singgah sekejap on the way to Penang. Sampai dia meninggal, kami memang tak pernah rasa beraya dengan dia. Tak pernah... We usually singgah aje on the way to Penang or on the way back to KL.

Eventhough I was small and he was always smiling when we leave, but I could always sense his sadness sebab tak dapat beraya dengan my mom and us kids.

So bila aku besar ni I got sad kenang kan yang aku tak pernah cium tangan dia pagi raya. And now he is gone. Walaupun it is not my fault, but.... well I still feel guilty.

Nangis dah ni.....

I think I am malancholy by nature. Sebab itu dari kecik I am always studying and inhaling my elders sebab aku macam nak take stock of their presence or their being so that when they are gone, I have something to remember by and to hold on. And then get sad about...

Emotional suicide, a friend told me.

Now of course, tambah sedih ingat kan Shera. Writing her name suddenly felt so alien. Macam she is just a frigment of my imagination. Semalam E was at my home when I returned from work. She didn't come to greet me though because she was bathing. So after hugging my kids, seperti biasa I threw myself on the sofa in front of the telly and tiba-tiba there she was, running happily when she saw me. She sat next to me, body leaning heavily against mine, talking a mile a minute.

While she talked, I carressed her hair and seperti biasa only half listened to the incessant chatter. Dah malam nak tidur baru aku rasa eh, macam kurang aje anak aku. And baru teringat, oh tadi ada extra tapi aku dah pulangkan kat bapak dia. And after like 5 hours baru aku nak rasa sedih that dia dah takde mak. That I am her surrogate mak and... well.... how life can be sooo unfair.

Isshh... tak baik.

Sigh........