Melaluts galore..

Adik….

Last Friday she called me right after school. “Mummy…. XYZ tak nak kawan saya……”
Hmm…. masalah budak darjah satu.

“Itulah…. You selalu kan tak nak kawan dia…. So sekarang it’s your turn, pulak…. “

“But…. Masa saya tak nak kawan dia, I have a reason. But today, I didn’t do anything !!!! Saya sampai sekolah, saya said hai and she said she tak nak kawan saya… I didn’t do anything !!”

HAHAHAHHAHAHAH… Yelah tu.

“So sekarang, saya nak Mummy… When are you coming home ? I want you, Mummy !!”

How could she made me laugh and cry within half a minute ?

Only she and her brother could do that to me.

Today… well is not a good day. Since yesterday actually I was in turmoil. I was feeling a myriad of emotions too but hurt was the starring actor.. Hence it has a been a simply tiring weekend.

Baru sat-sat tadi, I sat on the sofa in my bedroom, looking outside the window. I was dejected and upset and whatever lah… My angel came to me, face deep with worry. “Are you okay, my dear ?”

Now she made me touched with her concern and bubbling with laughter at the same time. Merepek sungguhlah dia ni.

“Err… hehe… ermm… I am a bit sad….”

“Why are you sad ?”

“Ermm… well about stuffs….”

“Stuffs ? What stuffs ?”

“Stuffs..” I shrugged.

“What ? What is it ? What do you want ?”

I looked at her questioningly. How very astute this little one. You are right lah sayang… what do I want exactly ?

Hmmmmmmmmmm…. (Btw... while I was pondering this question she rubbed my arms and looked sad too... Sian anak mak...... )

I want to be heard. I want my feelings to be respected. To be acknowledged that if I was wronged, I have the right to be angry.

Sometimes I wonder why society loves to condemn how a victim reacted. A blogger friend of mine was criticized for announcing her decision to seek divorce from her husband via her blog. It was a mutual decision only she decided to announce it via the world wide web. She, whether you like it or not is the victim because her husband chose to love another. She was being very, very nice about it too… Wishing her husband happiness but what people chose to comment is her decision to make an entry about it. Memalukan it was said.

But… people didn’t say anything about why she was doing it. Why she had to do it. Her husband cheated on her. Orang tak condemn yang itu. Orang condemn her mode of announcing her impending separation.

She is sad. She is the victim. However she chose to do it, lantak dia lah. She is the one hurting. Unless she capai pistol and tembak laki dia barulah kita cakap kot…

But to me let her be… Even if you have been in her shoes but did no such thing as she did, you still have no right to condemn because… you are not her. All our actions are governed by our personalities and we can’t really categorise everything plainly in wrong or right columns. There are loads of gray areas here.

Just like what I am facing now. Nobody has the right to tell me I am not allowed to feel the way I do now. Jangan mendabik dada and cakap kalau aku jadi kau, aku takkan buat macam tu. Podah ! You are not me.

This is my life and I am the main actor in it. I decide what to do and how to feel. You can guide me and try to pujuk me but to tell me you have more right to feel and I don’t is soooo bloody arrogant.

To force me to do things I don't want is also an infringement of my rights to feel.

That is why I wonder why society likes to judge how a victim reacts. Leave us be.
Dah… buat dah… Tukaq topic dah….