He is mine....

I don’t know why kan as we smiled for this picture, I was thinking about waaaaayyyy back when Abang was just my wee baby boy.

Masa tu kita baru balik Malaysia for good and entah ada apa angin kat Malaysia that made him developed a new funny habit. Whenever he was angry or upset, he will smack me on the face. Dahlah tangan tu tembam dan pejal dan padu, sakit tau.

He hardly ever did it to his Babah, mostly me his Mammy yang kena. Seriously I didn’t think much of it. I mean, to me it is just a new habit that my hunny bunny developed and I was sure that he will outgrow it. I didn’t question why he did it, in my head it was just reflexes.

Until one day that is, in front of a group of people who had seen him raining blows on my face quite a few times. One remarked, “Musuh betul dia dengan mak dia…..”.

Ha ? Ada ke cakap macam tu ?

To say I was shocked, well that was putting it mildly okay. I was hurt too.. not by his actions but by the remark. I mean I didn’t even think of it that way at all ! Not at all ! And I just couldn’t understand how could she think that my baby, my own sweet little boy who still could not wash his own bottom, who squels happily everytime he sees me, who could not bear to be away from me, when I was still the person that he loved most could hate me ?

I couldn’t help detect a hint of smugness in her voice and in the people surrounded her who agreed. I seriously do not know if I imagined it or made it up in my understandably upset state, but it seems to be ingrained in my head that she said it out of malice. That the crowd too was crackling with malevolence.

I remember feeling so embarrassed, feeling so inadequate as a mother. Feeling hurt too at the thought that there is a possibility of him to not like me much ! My own wee bairn !

But whatever it is, sampai nya hati orang tu cakap macam tu. Depan orang lain and at that moment I couldn’t help but feeling I was being judged as a bad mother. Macam dah lama dia orang tu dok bisik-bisik “Abang tu bukannya sayang dengan mak dia….”

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I have to admit my heart was quite broken about that. I felt low and my mind kept going back to that day. Repeatedly. Every visit came with a fresh dose of gut wrenching feeling. Sampai sekarang aku ingat.

Sigh….

A few months after that, I was called away for work in London. I was gone for about 2 weeks and how much I missed him ! It was sooo boring to be in a country that reminded me so much of my darling baby. Every little tighly bundled 2 year olds looked like him. I was even convinced the blonde haired blue eyed little cherubs saling tak tumpah macam dia. Ha ha…

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Pegi Selfridges and I kept seeing him running around in his soft light blue cardigan.

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Eh, at this very spot in Boots lah some 7 months ago Abang was tottering about and stumbled.

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Eh, bukan dekat Marks and Spencer ni ke I breastfed him ?

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You know... that kind of gila bayang thing going on ...

My boy… my baby boy…..

So imagine my surprise and hurt when I returned, one from the very same group said “Dia tak cari kau pun.. Tak rindu langsung !! Okay aje..”

Sedih, malu semua ada especially when it was said loudly and people looked. Funny because Babah just told me that he asked for me every night. When I pointed out that to her, she just smirked, buat muka tak percaya.

“Dia orang tak cerita pun….” She said.

Why ya ?

Kenapa macam tu sekali nak kecik kan hati aku yek ? Why is it important for you that my son is not properly attached to me ? Or why you want people to think that my son doesn’t love me ?

I could never understand it.

He is my son. Just like I understand my husband loves his mom, please know that my son loves me. If I raise him right, then he will love me forever. If Allah grant me my prayers, then he is anak yang soleh who will never forget his mammy.

He is my son.