Yesterday morning I sent Abang to school quite early. It was raining heavily so I had to drive inside the school compound. Just before I stopped to let him down, he remarked that his class was empty. I looked at the watch and it was only 7.05 so I was not surprised.
Anyway, I kissed him and he closed the door to my usual last minute advice. I smiled oh-so-lovingly at him and just before I looked away, I saw that his face had turned panicky, and then saw his equally alarmed gesture for me to wait.
Rolled down the window to hear him say, “Mummy ! There is no one in my class !” Face all worried and near to tears in mere seconds.
What ? So ?
“Takpelah. Just wait at the canteen…!” I gestured frantically at the canteen where quite a number of students were milling about.
“But I don’t know them !” He was surprise, surprise crying by this time. A bit of rain was also pelting him. So it was a really wet affair I tell you.
I just can’t describe how I feel. Exasperation mixed with disbelief plus a smidgeon of pity was there somewhere too.
“Abang, there is nothing I can do about it. You just have to deal with it, okay ? I have to get to work and I don’t want to be late… Stay at the canteen where there are a lot of people !”
He didn’t want to. He was scared for some reason. For reasons that I cannot think of. He waved goodbye at me reluctantly, with face contorted in his grief or fear (you choose….), wet from the tears and the rain. When I turned around after stepping on the accelerator, he was in the rain, looking at the canteen that was devoid of his friends worriedly.
My mind was constantly filled with that image of him in the rain during the 15 minutes drive to work. I am still very much puzzled with the tears. His face was filled with so much anguished, for something that I cannot even start to think about. Many times I felt like turning around and gathers him in my arms… I felt like I have to save him for some unseen demon… but I must be strong. For my son to be strong, I have to be strong.
Kebetulan the day before I spoke to D’s mom. She informed me of Kem Solat that D will be attending during the school holidays. I was very much interested and in my mind, the decision was already made that my son is going until she mentioned that it will be a sleepover. 3 nights at that.
Hai… Kamil would not let his son to be out of his sight for 3 days. Never ever.
“Anak kita ni lembik Kamil….. Please let him go….” I tried that very night. As as I have predicted, his face was unconvinced, lips tight, eyes narrowed.
So in a way it was very fitting to see Abang cowering at the prospect of…. I dunno… being alone ? The dark sky ? (I mean I do not exactly know why he was so upset) so soon after. Knowing that menangis kat sekolah could help cement my argument, I quickly related the incident to Kamil and when I broached the subject of the camp and the word manja….he gave a sigh and said, “Entahlah…” That to me is a good sign. It was better than his silence.
Anyway malam when all of us we were watching the telly, I asked my son nicely, asking him to explain the tears. “What were you scared of ?”
“I dunno…..” he answered, voice low, eyes downcast. “I just feel scared. Maybe because it was dark. Maybe it was the lightning….. Okay maybe I over-reacted….”
He he…..
Let’s see if Kamil is going to let him join the camp. And if my son turns out to be a man who jumped at the sound of thunder… well bukan salah ibu mengandung.
Anyway, I kissed him and he closed the door to my usual last minute advice. I smiled oh-so-lovingly at him and just before I looked away, I saw that his face had turned panicky, and then saw his equally alarmed gesture for me to wait.
Rolled down the window to hear him say, “Mummy ! There is no one in my class !” Face all worried and near to tears in mere seconds.
What ? So ?
“Takpelah. Just wait at the canteen…!” I gestured frantically at the canteen where quite a number of students were milling about.
“But I don’t know them !” He was surprise, surprise crying by this time. A bit of rain was also pelting him. So it was a really wet affair I tell you.
I just can’t describe how I feel. Exasperation mixed with disbelief plus a smidgeon of pity was there somewhere too.
“Abang, there is nothing I can do about it. You just have to deal with it, okay ? I have to get to work and I don’t want to be late… Stay at the canteen where there are a lot of people !”
He didn’t want to. He was scared for some reason. For reasons that I cannot think of. He waved goodbye at me reluctantly, with face contorted in his grief or fear (you choose….), wet from the tears and the rain. When I turned around after stepping on the accelerator, he was in the rain, looking at the canteen that was devoid of his friends worriedly.
My mind was constantly filled with that image of him in the rain during the 15 minutes drive to work. I am still very much puzzled with the tears. His face was filled with so much anguished, for something that I cannot even start to think about. Many times I felt like turning around and gathers him in my arms… I felt like I have to save him for some unseen demon… but I must be strong. For my son to be strong, I have to be strong.
Kebetulan the day before I spoke to D’s mom. She informed me of Kem Solat that D will be attending during the school holidays. I was very much interested and in my mind, the decision was already made that my son is going until she mentioned that it will be a sleepover. 3 nights at that.
Hai… Kamil would not let his son to be out of his sight for 3 days. Never ever.
“Anak kita ni lembik Kamil….. Please let him go….” I tried that very night. As as I have predicted, his face was unconvinced, lips tight, eyes narrowed.
So in a way it was very fitting to see Abang cowering at the prospect of…. I dunno… being alone ? The dark sky ? (I mean I do not exactly know why he was so upset) so soon after. Knowing that menangis kat sekolah could help cement my argument, I quickly related the incident to Kamil and when I broached the subject of the camp and the word manja….he gave a sigh and said, “Entahlah…” That to me is a good sign. It was better than his silence.
Anyway malam when all of us we were watching the telly, I asked my son nicely, asking him to explain the tears. “What were you scared of ?”
“I dunno…..” he answered, voice low, eyes downcast. “I just feel scared. Maybe because it was dark. Maybe it was the lightning….. Okay maybe I over-reacted….”
He he…..
Let’s see if Kamil is going to let him join the camp. And if my son turns out to be a man who jumped at the sound of thunder… well bukan salah ibu mengandung.
2 comments:
hmmm... heart breaking yang first half tu.
honestly, i think the kem can do him some good. another heartbreaking process to let him go and not to think about him especially at night. 3 nights? lama gak tu.
kita ni macam tu lah kan. dok kesian kat anak2. tapi at times memang we can't deal with their problems.
akmal did his first sleep over masa umoq 6 tahun. 1 night je la. kat sekolah tadika dia. yang itu pun i susah hati teramat sangat. balik the next day rasa tak puas nak peluk2 dia. hahahhha... over la kita ni.
i wish u luck, whatever the decision from kamil, ok? :D
ANa... aku baru sat2 tadi tanya Kamil again... And untuk kesekelian kalinya dia mengeluh and said I dont know... I rasa memang dia tak bagi kot.... Sigh...
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