I am embarrassed of me....

Couple kat Subway.

The husband was still handsome. Very handsome in fact.

But the wife was so selekeh, I thought she was his mother until I heard the children addressed her as Mummy.

Kamil insisted she was his mom, I many, many times assured Kamil she is definitely not because of what I heard. They have like 3 boys and 2 girls. The eldest boy looked 15 and the youngest girl looked about 3 or 4.

Maybe it was wrong for us to do this. I mean to discuss them and all but we were so compelled to do so. Why ? Entah… Melayu kot… ha ha…

Anyway (please put your disbelief aside when you read the subsequent sentence okay ?) I asked my husband, “You ingat Mamat ni ada affair tak ?”

Why do I think that, I don’t know. But I rasa macam kesian sangat because she is letting herself go. Her hair was messy, her clothes were ill-fitting, her feet were shorned with ugly flip-flops and her face… I dunno… She looked so old okay ? The husband looked like he is in his early forties while she looked like she has gone well beyond 50. Serious.

Maybe she is ill. Orang sakit usually looked disarray.

But the fact remains I wondered if the husband is faithful. Probably because they didn't seem to acknowledge each other's presence.

We always think lowly of the male species kan ? We always question about their ability to be faithful, we think they are always lusting about other younger women. We think they only think with their dicks. There I said it. And eventhough we are enraged about that fact, but we grudgingly accepted that it is what men do.

Because sometimes we blame the wife, especially if she is letting go of herself. I just did. Hell I don’t know him but I still question if he was being faithful on account of his wife’s appearance. Like it is okay for a man to stray if his spouse is less than vogue-y.

I think probably I was reeling from my discussion with Kamil about darling Kak Yatt’s entry. Kak Yatt wrote about an acquaintance who wanted to take another wife because his current wife is uninterested in sex. He claimed there is no love involved with this other woman, it is just about his needs (Kak Yatt, I hope I am telling this right ?)

Biasalah aku, bila ada lelaki yang buat perangai, Kamil yang kena bambu. I told Kamil the story, and asked, “Is sex that important to men ? Can men have sex without love involved ?”

To my utter shock and despair my husband answered, “Well if you keep having sex, you might fall in love with her….”

And aku naik angin. Because he once remarked he can’t understand men sleeping around and renting (he he) prostitutes because he claimed he can’t do ‘it’without love in the picture.

And a few gazillion years later, he changed his mind. Now apparently he can do it without any feelings and horrors upon horrors, if he does it with the same women enough times, he might develop some tendre for her.

To say I am dissapointed, well it just doesn’t cut it right. I became enraged. Me … benda yang ntah hapa2 pun boleh jadi gaduh. That is why Kamil gets a bit wary everytime I come home from any outing with my girlfriends as I might come home hating men from my girly conversations. My happy self could get corrupted when I hear a friend's mother's sister's mother-in-law's aunty's friend got heart broken because of a the male species. When that happens, I will usually take it out on the only man I come home to, him.

Why is it important for us women to look pleasing for our husbands ? Even if our husbands are sporting girths wider than the wheel of a 16 tyre-wheelers, we women who walk by his side must look impeccable. Lelaki, laku aje. Perempuan ni ha yang cepat past sell by date, I am told often times enough. Cess. Why ?

Why is it that we never looked twice at the sight of a perempuan lawa yang pegang tangan mamat selekeh ? But wondered if the opposite happened ? So are we thinking lowly of men or women here ?

Aku yang .. (well I cannot claim I am a feminist because feminism confuses me) kononnya without prejudice (well… I would like to think that I am) pun can think like that.

So when I see her, I evilly thought, who would want to sleep with that ?

Haru kan aku ?

Because when I stood in front of the mirror not 2-3 hours after that, noticing the stretch marks and the bulges, I thought, “Who in the right mind would sleep with this ?”

Macam aku lawa, kan ? Macam aku vogue.

Ha ha….

Dah…. Toksah tengok-tengok orang bila makan. Concentrate on your food and train your eyes downwards.